Women Who Know How to Appreciate A Good Thing
Women who know look at relationships through the lens of the golden rule. We treat our men the way we’d want to be treated–on a good day, we treat him even better. When we have a good man in our lives, it’s far to easy to take his good deeds for granted. We accept the candy and the flowers, often without giving even the slightest consideration to how to put a smile on his face.
I know that most of the time, women believe that making sure that a man’s physical needs are attended to are the surest way to keep him close. I’d like to think that even when the physical relationship thrives, a man worth loving is far from one-dimensional. Men have feelings, too! Regardless of what they say, men like to feel wanted and appreciated. After a while, sex alone is not going to do the trick.
So, women who know listen to that special someone to find out what makes him tick. Maybe it’s recording a sporting event he’ll miss because of a business trip. It could be picking up his favorite dessert from the neighborhood bakery. Maybe it’s as simple as wearing the dress he likes so much the next time you hit the town. Every once in a while, you just might be able to spring for that special single malt scotch. The bottom line is, women aren’t the only ones who deserve to be pampered in a relationship. When he gives, we should also. It’s only fair.
Now, I am not suggesting that you go become one of those women who don’t know that men cannot be purchased–one of the women who serves as his personal ATM and always ends up on Judge Judy asking for relief. I’m talking about doing things of your own volition not because he asks, but because his love for you makes you want to see him smile. You trust him enough to live outside of the fears associated with insecurity. If he’s worth your time, he should be worth it!
It’s the simple things:
- Buy tickets for him to take a buddy to a sporting event he’s been talking about.
- A romantic dinner of his favorites at home never gets old.
- Invite his friends over to watch the game while you go out with the girls. Order or prepare his favorite game day munchies.
- After a hard day’s work, offer him a massage and a glass of wine (or a cold beer…or juice…whatever he likes).
- If he goes for surprises, help him celebrate a special day with a surprise dinner or party (or dinner party) with his favorite people.
- Help him preserve something special to him. For example, if he’s been meaning to find a place for an heirloom (as long as you’re sure he’ll be OK with it) frame it or put it in a shadow box for him so he can pass it down to his little ones.
- Use your movie software to make a little short a/b the two of you, with the focus on how much he means to you. Take your hundreds of pics and special memories and make a funny video collage and e-mail it to him while he’s at work.
- Put a sentimental card or note in his luggage before he goes away on business.
- Never forget to tell him how you feel about him and how much you appreciate him. Ask him how his day was, and, actually LISTEN.
- If he’s had a bad day, ask him if there’s anything you can do to make him feel better. If there is, try to accommodate him; if there isn’t, give him a little time and space for personal solitude.
I’m not encouraging women to be footstools, servants or concubines. I wrote this only to encourage women to sometimes, look out from that pedestal he puts you on and determine whether you’ve put him on one, as well. It can be lonely at the top. Why not bring him along???
Women Who Know, YOU Can’t Change HIS Priorities.
Women who know that while they can always be a positive influence in the life of another, they can never be the primary agent of change when it comes to his major life decisions, are on the right track. We sometimes find ourselves in relationships and friendships with men who would be perfect for us, “if only he would just…” To us, those details in need of tweaking are simple. We figure we might as well jump in and help him take those first steps, right? Wrong.
As adults, we should aspire to team up with other grown-ups who take the same accountability for their lives as we take for ours. So, if a man hasn’t yet learned how to be one, let him be until he decides to mature, on his own. Otherwise, we could end up at the end of a long journey, weary and heavy-hearted either because we worked so hard and he did not OR because we worked, he improved and then we both realize that he’s not the man for us.
My friend, Greta, has known the same man for almost ten years. They began as platonic friends in undergrad, and after about two years after college, he decided to ask her to take their relationship to the next level. In those interim years a lot had changed for them. He had moved in with a girlfriend, had a child, broken up with the woman, and moved out. He was a non-custodial superdad. Greta had no children; her only responsibilities were to build a life for herself and pursue her dreams. After a bit of hesitation, Greta gave in and decided to explore this new kind of friendship. After all, they got along so well.
Over time, she began to notice that the two of them had grown to be very different. She dreamed big and wide. He lived life day to day and never set goals so high that they weren’t guaranteed. As a parent, his top priority was his child, and she found this admirable. As a young woman on the move, her top priority was pursuing her life’s purpose, which, at the time, did not include child rearing. Still, Greta’s love life with him began to revolve almost entirely around his role as daddy and buddy. Everything they did together was during hours where he didn’t have to coach little league, cereal shop, or cartoon watch. And, she only got the time he had not already dedicated to “the guys.” There isn’t a woman worth her salt alive who wishes that her man would be a poor father. On the other hand, most women hope that by the late 20’s, men learn that spending all of their time with the guys isn’t exactly the best way to keep a woman happy.
Dating a man who can never make you a priority is an option every woman has the right to reject. You can acknowledge that he is a great person, but you also have to hope that one day, he’ll find a woman who defines relationships that in a way that comports with his own definition. If you’re not that woman, you are not in a position to change his definition; all you can do is decide whether living with it is something you can live with. If not, you can tell him how you feel, but that’s about it. You can’t make him change.
Greta tried to explain her concerns to him–that she felt slighted. That he wanted her to be at his beck and call, but that she never got the top pick. She explained that the issue was not his child–it was his unwillingness to admit that his child did not take up all of his time. For example, Saturday nights, when his child was asleep, with his mother, or with the grandparents, were seldom, if ever, dedicated quiet dinner or a movie with her–that was reserved for ESPN and Corona with his buddies. He explained to her that he didn’t know how to make time for her–that regardless of who he chose, someone would be unhappy. If he chose her, the buddies would be unhappy, and vice-versa. He was telling her that he’d chosen his friends. I’ve never dealt with a man who told me he had a hard time spending time with me because his friends would be unhappy. But, I suppose if I did meet such a man, I’d take his word for it and get a one-way ticket to St. Elsewhere.
Greta, a woman who knows, agreed with him and told him they should both move on. So, they did for a few months. Like most men, he still called her from time to time, inquiring about whether she had a new man in her life, but never offering to become that man. Time passed and somehow, they decided to give it another try. Nothing had changed. His life outside of his child was still pretty much dedicated to “the guys,” and she was still getting the leftovers (a Monday night here, a Wednesday evening there). All of their plans were last-minute, and were dictated by his convenience.
Yet again, Greta had to let him know that she doesn’t feel like he puts any significant thought into their relationship. She told him that no matter what, it wasn’t his child or his friends who came first, it was him. She told him that she never knew until the day of plans that they had any. And, this purported spontaneity was not accompanied by thoughtful outings or romantic, carefree evenings in, it was too much of the same–dinner at greasy spoons or late nights at the house. This was not Greta’s idea of a good time. His sentiments: take it or leave it.
Greta left it. She knows that she deserves a man who thinks of her as a partner and a friend. A partner because her opinion influences the direction of their relationship; a friend because how she feels is always a valid consideration in how he treats her. This man she walked away from was not torn between romance and fatherhood. He was torn between competing demands of manhood. Being an adult means every day, learning the meaning of true balance. Balance ensures that you remain sane while everyone invited into your life gets what they deserve. It means that you won’t invite a woman into your heart, if there isn’t room. If you’re a woman, and you feel as though you’ve been stuffed into a cramped, uncomfortable compromise, you have the right to speak up and move on.
Life is a gift not only to you, but to those who love and care about you. There’s no sense in allowing the burdens of another (who is unwilling to change) to cast a shadow on your light. You were created with a purpose, and God will send you someone whose purpose naturally aligns with the one you have. You will talk with him and realize how much you have in common. You will listen and hear differences that teach, rather than impede. Live life according to your divine purpose and this kind of love will come along as a pleasant, comforting surprise.
Women who know, know themselves–and–they want a man who’s pretty well acquainted with himself, too. What’s so bad about that?
Women Who Know He’s Unavailable
Everybody knows a woman who always goes for the man she cannot have. Typically, she goes after the men in her inner circle. She eagerly anticipates opportunities to convert her committed “platonic” guy friend into a friend with benefits, and she spends day and night thinking about how to get a little closer to her married co-worker. This woman does not know (or care) that committing herself to this kind of venture that will not likely yield positive results for her, and means giving a little piece of herself away, each day. In exchange for fleeting attention, she sacrifices her dignity, usually to end up–at most–in the bed with someone she’s placed on a pedestal so high she never had the opportunity to observe his flaws.
Women who know he’s unavailable value themselves enough to be motivated by more in life than mere emotions. Some people like to think of emotions as our control tower; I prefer to think of them as merely signals in the distance. I try to get a closer look at what those signals really indicate before I decide to act on them. Sometimes, they mean I haven’t spent enough time loving myself. When I was single, did I ever find myself gazing at a guy I know is taken, while thinking about how great I think we’d be together? Of course. Everyone likely has. But, after giving myself time to think about why I was so captivated by the prospect of being with him, I often found that unhealthy emotions like uncertainty, loneliness and jealousy were prevailing over peace, patience, compassion and confidence. Often, it’s not about the man, at all.
Women who know he’s unavailable respect the women in his life whom they’ve perhaps never met because they know that whatsoever a woman seweth, that shall she also reap. They know that once they’ve finally achieved bliss with a man they love, they would tremble at the prospect of another woman intentionally ruining their relationship. So, they are careful about what they send out into the universe, lest it come back to haunt them.
A woman who knows understands that no matter how unhappy her “friend” appears to be with his significant other, her place is not to manipulate their friendship for the sole purpose of alienating him from his mate. She wants a man with as little baggage as possible, so she would never create an atmosphere threatening to place her male friend in emotional turmoil. She does not ever want for him to resent her efforts once he figures them out.
Women who know he’s unavailable know that if it’s truly meant to be, they don’t have to lift a finger to bring another’s relationship to an end. For a woman who knows, it is better to delight in the warmth of knowing that she didn’t have to volitionally harm another woman (or man) to get what she wanted. In the meantime, she has better things to do with her time than calculate and malign. Committing herself to the pursuit of a person who has not yet committed himself to her in the same way is simply not an option.
Some women say, “If I could take him, then he wasn’t hers in the first place.” To some extent, that statement is true. Nevertheless, one of my law professors always reminded our class that a thief never has good title. When you “steal” something, you have possession but no true claim to it. You can carry it around, show it off or brag about it, but once someone shows up to whom it truly belongs, you will have a battle on your hands to keep it close to you. I can’t imagine that women who know want that kind of relationship–where they can never be sure where his heart rightfully belongs.
Who Knows?
This blog is for the women who know how to love themselves, their family, their friends and their men. I like to think of this space as a place where we can share ideas, experiences and opinions so that the women who don’t know may be enlightened.
