Women Who Know

We hear it all the time: women can’t get along. Women who know get along all of the time. Sure, we can find ourselves parting ways with certain friends, but it isn’t because we’re [nasty, catty] women. Sometimes, it’s simply because we forget the bond we share as women.

Part I of this post discussed the platonic bond that a man and a woman can share–and the walls that sometimes erect themselves as a result of romantic desires or misunderstandings. Managing friendships with other women should be easier without the added dynamic of sexual attraction. I’ve found that my positive friendships with women from my birth forward, have had quite an impact on my life. My first true friend was my mother; then my aunts; then my sister and cousins. From them, I learned how to treat the girls and women I met later in life.

1. Don’t be the NOSY friend.

I always believed that my mother was the exemplary friend. She was kind and considerate. She listened and gave sound advice. She butted out when it was the best thing to do. She tried to impart what she knew to me from as early as I can remember. I remember once in middle school, I found out that my friend’s “boyfriend” was cheating (for whatever that’s worth in middle school). I, of course, thought that the best thing to do was to tell my friend what I’d seen. My mother told me that it wasn’t my business. I told my friend that she should dump her good-for-nothing man(boy), anyway. What happened? Everybody ended up being pissed at me for opening my BIG MOUTH! That day, I learned that being a good friend didn’t mean trying to control my friends’ lives or making decisions for them. It meant knowing that we were in each other’s lives because we were great people, not because we were the same person.

Too often, we as women become far too involved in the small, personal details of one another’s lives. We tell each other who to date, who to leave alone, who to call, when to call them, whether to curse them out or not, etc. We miss so much of true friendship when we impose ourselves on each other. I am not suggesting that we shouldn’t know anything about our friends’ lives or that we shouldn’t help one another. I’m merely saying that we observe boundaries. Our true friends know that they can depend on us; we don’t have to constantly remind them.

A few hints: Do you get annoyed when your friends don’t share EVERYTHING in their lives? Do you constantly give unsolicited advice? Do you interrogate your friends about everything new in their lives, whether it be a date, a job, an outing? Once they share, do you have an uncontrollable urge to tell them how you feel? If you answered yes, you are NOSY. Your friends will stop sharing with you if you don’t show some self-control. Get a grip.

2. Don’t be the cripple friend.

The cripple friend uses her friends as crutches. It seems like she always has a problem. Usually, it’s either with a man or some woman she can’t stand. Clearly, good friends listen to one another; BUT we should always evaluate what our goal is when our friends lend their ears. It should never be to get our friend to carry our burdens for us. When friends love us enough to serve as counsel, we should love them enough to value their time and their energy.

Sometimes, we face challenges that call for the shoulder of a friends; other times, we go through problems that we can and should work out on our own. If you notice that you solicit advice from your friends to make you feel better for the moment, but not because you intend to change the course of your behavior, you’re a cripple friend. If, when faced with a problem, your first impulse is to pick up your phone and dial your girlfriend and not to think things through on your own, you just might be cripple. Take some time to do a self-evaluation, or you will drain your friends (and they will run clear of your path whenever you come around). If you’re unhappy or unfulfilled, your friends can help you by loving you, but they can’t solve your problems. You shouldn’t make them try.

3. Don’t be the green-eyed friend.

Jealousy. Some women can’t maintain friendships because they spend all of their time comparing themselves to the women in their lives. Am I thinner than her? Is she prettier than me? Does he like her? Why isn’t he attracted to me? In truth, these women aren’t friends, they’re adversaries.

From a very early age, little girls are taught to sit there and look pretty. Subconsciously, we also learn to look at other little girls to figure out how we measure up. Women who never learn to look at themselves outside of the glare of others are doomed to a life of insecurity. The undoubtedly, unwittingly, make their friends the enemy. A few hints: Do you wince whenever someone compliments your friends? Do you look at yourself AFTER someone compliments your friend to determine why you haven’t received the same compliment? Do you minimize your friends’ accomplishments or positive traits (i.e. “He likes you because you have big boobs.”). If you answered yes to these questions, you’re probably a green-eyed friend. Take some time to figure out what you love about yourself–I promise, you’ll be a much happier friend.

4. Don’t be the negative friend.

Some women love to tell their friends EVERYTHING they disagree with. They find it very difficult to tell their friends what they like. Indeed, it’s doubtful whether they like anything at all. If their friend makes a career choice, they ask why they didn’t choose another. If their friend makes a friend, they point out the stranger’s flaws. If their friend finds a love-interest, they caution her about getting hurt. Negative friends are miserable and they want you to be miserable too. Don’t fall into the trap. You may end up cleaning up their mess and could possibly lose something you truly cherish.

A few hints: Do you find yourself constantly discouraging your friends from doing something they really want to do, even though you don’t really have a reason? Are you more eager to point out someone’s faults before you point out their virtue? Are you more willing to believe an awful explanation of a thing before believing an equally rational, alternate happy explanation? When your girlfriend is down, do you encourage her to see the bright side, or do you drive her deeper into her sorrow? If you answered yes to these questions, you might be a negative friend. All I can say is, stop hating. Just kidding. Seriously, if you’re never on the sunny side of the street, take a moment to think about what’s going on in your life to make you so gloomy. Your friends will begin to detest you. Or, what’s worse, you could end up making your friends share your low self-esteem and you’ll be miserable together. Maybe that’s what you want? Ah well.

The Bottom Line: When there’s something wrong with you, be careful not to unload it on your friends. They love you and will likely try to take as much as they can for you, but it’s not fair for you to abuse the privilege of their affection. As adults, we must learn how to cope with things so that we can be great counselors, too. If we dump everything undesirable about ourselves onto our friends (through nosiness, negativity, jealousy or anything else), we hurt ourselves because our friends are no longer at their best. That means that the friendship isn’t at its best, either.

**These categories are not exclusive to women…but this is a blog for women who know…so…SORRY GUYS!