Women Who Know

Every woman has a friend who’s always the sideshow and never the main event but somehow manages to think she’s somebody’s girlfriend. There’s never very much dating in her “dating” life, at all. You hear about the guys she’s seeing, but you never see them. From the very beginning, their “dates” consist mainly of him coming to visit her apartment or her driving to visit him. Usually, the visits are conveniently after clubs and lounges close. The only connection you perceive between them is physical. Yet, instead of calling the tryst what it is, your friend SWEARS that this guy is her “boyfriend.” You don’t quite get it, because it makes her look foolish. But, it’s not your business, so you just grin & nod when she goes on and on about her new love.  You let her take that trip to the moon on gossamer wings.

Ok, so maybe it’s not a “friend” I referenced above. Maybe it’s you. Every woman has gone through this at some point. Maybe there’s a first date, but not many thereafter. He’s infatuated with all things physical, but not much else. You hear about him hanging out with his friends, but it never dawns on you that you’ve never met them. He talks about the two of you doing things like taking trips or nice dinners, but it never happens. So, you settle for his spontaneous visits to your house at ungodly hours. The two of you get along just fine, but something is missing. Eventually, you mention it to him and he dismisses it. He shoots you some lame excuse like, you knew how he was from the beginning. Maybe he tells you that his money is tight. When you ask how he affords to hang out with his friends so much, he tells you to drop it. In your heart you know this guy doesn’t value or respect you, but you let him stick around because you’re lonely. The worst thing is you portray your “relationship” to your friends as much more than it is. You’re just waiting for the house of cards to fall.

You have better things to do! Women who know, value their time. There are hundreds of things you could be doing instead of sitting at home waiting for some marginally interested guy whom you call your man to call you or take you out. Even if you’re not sitting at home (we have cell phones these days), you allow him to occupy your thoughts. Think about it, when you’re upset, you waste time talking to your girlfriends about it, writing e-mails to him about it, or just thinking about it for hours. That’s time you’re not spending focused on God, family, friends, or your career. And, guess what? He is not likely spending nearly as much time thinking about not spending time with you.

So…why do some women insist on faux commitments with guys like this? He does nothing for them outside of the bedroom (or maybe he really does nothing there). He shows little respect for their time. Everything they do seems to revolve around his schedule. And, though she talks to all of her friends and family about him, his friends and family know little to nothing about her. Yet, he’s their “man.” More likely than not, the women do it because they’re insecure. They don’t think they can do better than what they’ve got. Or, if they think they can, they don’t feel like waiting on Mr. Right. Sometimes, women think they can change the guy into Mr. Right. Wrong answer.

Here are a few hints that you’re NOT in a REAL relationship:

1. He can always get you, but you can never get him. We all remember this from Sex in the City when Big was lovesick. Whenever you’re with someone and you answer every time he calls, but he seldom answers when you call, you’re not in a real relationship.

2. He only calls you late at night. If a man can only find time to call you after every movie show time has passed, every restaurant has closed, every club’s cover has jumped up three times, and the only thing to watch on TV is infomercials, you’re not in a real relationship. You’re getting the time nobody else wanted, anyway.

3. He only visits you late at night. See above. And, you know what he wants–it’s not to chat about the future. If you’re truly a woman who can have “detached” physical relationships, you wouldn’t be hell bent on calling him your man. So, stop fronting. You want more from him than what you’re getting, but you think the comfort of his arms somehow makes up for your lack of self-respect. Life will never deliver to you what you deserve until you start behaving like you deserve it. WAKE UP!

4. He always finds an excuse to avoid meeting your friends. In your mind, he’s just a busy guy. In reality, meeting your friends just doesn’t matter to him. Men who love you eventually want to understand your life outside of your relationship. Men who DON’T care about you could care less.

5. YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE! All of his sentences regarding the two of you hanging out begin with, “Do you want to come over?”. Though you are accustomed to better, you convince yourself that conventional dating is superficial and what really matters is that you’re spending time together. Right? Wrong. If you enjoy leaving the house every now and again, he’s probably aware of that. He’s just not interested in obliging you. I’m not promoting some materialistic view of dating, but I’ve experienced that men who care about me want to make me happy; and, I want to do the same for them.

6. He’s a mystery. You know absolutely nothing about him. The two of you never find time to talk about his life outside of your “relationship.” Of course, there are some good guys who have trouble opening up to even the people closest to them. But, there are others to whom you feel like total and complete strangers. To these guys, you’re not their “girlfriend.” At worst, you’re just some girl; at best, you’re a “cool” girl. In either case, you’re nowhere near as important to him as he has become to you.

The bottom line is, placing obligatory labels on a relationship cannot change their true character. You can call someone your “man” or your “boyfriend” until you grow hoarse, but that will not change a thing. Keeping up a facade of a relationship not only tires you, but it makes you look very silly. Treating a disrespectful man as a security blanket not only shields you from what you perceive as loneliness, it also serves as a barrier, keeping away men who may actually treat you as you deserve to be treated. Let your pretend relationship go. It isn’t taking you anywhere.