Women Who Know How to Say I’m Sorry
Apologizing has never, ever been my strongsuit. Over time, though, I’ve realized that I had to do better.
A little while ago, I ran into an ex-boyfriend. We’d broken up almost a decade ago and it was all my fault. I was young and I didn’t understand the value of candor in communication. So, when I found that I’d outgrown our relationships (as is often the case in college), I didn’t tell him–I just started screening calls. The truth is, this guy was an absolute gem. He treated me with love, honor and respect. He always made me feel special. He just wasn’t the guy for me. Anyway, when I ran into him a little while ago, I pulled him aside and apologized for hurting him. I told him I was wrong for treating him as though he didn’t deserve the respect of an explanation.
When I began my apology, I thought he was going to turn and walk away. Fortunately, he didn’t. And, because he stayed to listen, we were able to let bygones be bygones. I don’t carry that guilt around with me; he doesn’t carry that anger. Both of us had already moved on with our lives, and I’m glad that there was still room in our hearts for forgiveness. He can be a better man for the women in his life, and I can be a better woman, knowing that I had confronted one of my mistakes face-to-face.
I guess the point is that none of that would have happened if I hadn’t learned to say, “I’m sorry.” I’m not talking about the kind of apologies that you give when you’ve done something impulsive that you instantly regret. I mean, the kind of apologies you give when you have to admit that you deliberately chose a course of action that you knew would hurt someone because it was more convenient for you. I’m talking about the kinds of apologies that make you ashamed for the instant before you feel redeemed.
Women Who Know to Be Nice, Though She Wants Your Man
OK. So, I’ve kind of talked about this before. Sometimes, it seems that more women are after your boyfriend as soon as he’s in a relationship with you. And, from time to time, your man has a DIE HARD FAN. You know, like…the girl who tries to play it extremely close with him and throw you off with the title, “platonic friend.”
The knee-jerk reaction to a woman like this is hostility–you want to treat her as an enemy. Honestly, this approach is hard to resist because even when you’re secure in your relationship, you’re annoyed by blatant disrespect. BUT, I’ve learned that displays of hostility aren’t the way to go. They’ll just give her something to talk to your man about. And, believe me, she’s looking for more reasons to communicate with him, every single day.
My humble opinion is that, per usual with relationships between two HONEST adults, communication is key:
1. Talk to your boyfriend about it, candidly. I’m not suggesting that you run to him and say, “I HATE YOUR FRIEND!!!” Instead, after assessing the situation for yourself and determining that her motives are likely to impact your relationship, approach your significant other with candor and honesty. Remember, you’re not on the battle path–you are just trying to understand what’s going on. Maybe he can give you some perspective. Maybe he knows she has feelings for him, but the two of them have come to an understanding about boundaries. Then again, maybe he’s clueless and will appreciate your perspective. Heck, maybe you’re wrong and the woman has no interest in him at all. Whatever the case, you’ll never know unless you talk.
2. Meet her. Sometimes, all it takes for a woman to back off of a man is looking at his situation and realizing that he is entirely out of reach. If you’ve never made this woman’s acquaintance, you are likely no more than a mythological villain standing between her and true love. If she’s a good person, meeting you, and seeing what a GREAT person you are may cause her conscience to kick in. Trust me, I know some women are unscrupulous, but I’d like to believe that we all have a little good in us. And, if she doesn’t, you’ll never be sure about that, either, unless you meet her.
3. Be nice. I know it’s tough, but when you are fully aware that some chick is walking around trying to get the best of you, be nice, OK? When you see her, speak to her. Don’t roll your eyes or contort your face…there’s no point to that, anyway. Try to make him feel comfortable about inviting her out with you guys when you hang with groups. You don’t really want to make him feel torn between the two of you. If you’re in a serious relationship, there should be no competition, anyway. Chances are, if she’s uncomfortable, you won’t have her in your hair, anyway. She won’t come around if she feels threatened.
4. Don’t think about her, too much. I’ll be honest and say that in the past, I’ve let the motives of another woman consume my thoughts for a day or two. It was never really that I felt threatened, but I was very easily annoyed. I felt that I had to find a way to make my presence known. But, plotting is a really crappy way to spend a day. And, plotting is what women like them do, not women like me. I found out that being myself kept me happy. And, because my boyfriend loved me, being myself kept him happy, too. So, while I’m no sucker, I had to really draw a line between being aware and being consumed.
5. Don’t start treating your man like crap. It’s easy to get upset with the wanna-be other woman and take it out on your boyfriend. Unless he’s doing a poor job of managing her antics, or he’s cheating on you, give him a little credit. That whole, “men are from Mars” line of thinking has some merit. As women, we have less trouble figuring out which of our “feelings” for us. Maybe it’s because our “friends” are rarely as subtle as women are. Anywho, if he hasn’t fallen for this woman, give him some credit for being a good guy. If he’s letting the line between them get a little too fuzzy, just talk to him respectfully, as an adult. If he respects your feelings, he’ll do a better job of drawing boundaries. If he doesn’t, you didn’t need to be with him, anyway.
**Disclaimer: This post is for women in loving, healthy relationships who love themselves. It’s not applicable to women whose men are cheating with “other women.” **
