Women Who Know When to Grow Up
As I draw nearer and nearer to age thirty, it seems that I’ve become increasingly aware of the subset of women (OK, and people generally) who shun the process of true maturation. To many women, growing up is a biological process– the hallmarks of which are readily apparent when one glances in the mirror. To others, it is the gradual journey toward financial independence. And yet to some, it means mastering their ability to use their sexual energy to get what they want. What seems lost on all too many is, the true indication of whether you have truly “grown up” is when you leave childish things behind you.
Playing Dress Up
When we were little girls, we would put on our mothers’ clothes or silly costumes and pretend that we were different people. One day we were a princess, and the next, we were a pirate. There was no harm in it–in fact, it helped nurture our imaginations. However, when you become a woman, you realize that the clothes you wear cannot transport you to a different existence. You will not suddenly become another person if you buy that dress you saw in the window, no matter how much you wish that you would. Not even the best of makeover shows can change who you are. Evolving from a girl to a woman involves distancing yourself from the childish tendency for external factors to determine what your contribution to the world will be. You are no longer simply an impressionable receptacle seeking direction. Suddenly, what you have to offer those of us on the outside matters a lot more than silly, trite imaginations based on nothing more than what you appear to be.
Playing House
Women who know when to grow up do not assign imaginary roles to the people in the lives with the expectation that they will play along. When we were children, we would play games and become livid if we assigned Johnny the role of father and he decided that he would be the family golden retriever. We would pitch a fit if we told our best friend Jill to play the role of little sister, and she decided that she was the mommy. Growing up means knowing that we cannot change the behavior of other people. No matter how good our intentions may be, it is neither our responsibility nor our right to prescribe behavior for others. That means that if you’ve had occasion to date a guy who says that he’s not looking for anything serious, it’s not our job to tell him “what kind of man he should be.” Even more importantly than that, if you decide to be with him, maturity means that you don’t walk through life pretending that he’s become that dream man, when he hasn’t. No charade lasts forever. No facade fools the world.
Taddling
When you’ve grown up, you know how to keep your mouth shut, when appropriate. Building relationships of trust with other people means you learn to contain the personal aspects of your relationships, as best you can. You do not want to be the woman who runs and tells everything that happens to her every hour of every day. My belief is, that behavior is rooted in the undying desire to be liked and noticed. When someone offends us, we feel disliked. Inversely, when we tell on them, and another person takes up for us, we feel validated by their compassion and by the attention they’ve given us. The only problem is, when the smoke settles around our transgressor, and we repair our relationship, we’ve forever damaged their reputation in the eyes of others. Where does that leave us?
Make-Believe “Romance”
What I remembered about “romantic” relationships from my youth was that they were almost always predicated on silly, senseless things. I remember once, a boy asked me if I would “go with him” for fourth period. I said yes, and by the time the bell rang, he’d told everyone in my class that he was my man. I was mortified. When you’re young, you don’t really know what you like about people. All you know is that you like them. And, that you like them, A LOT. There are few expectations. If he likes playing UNO, you do too. If he likes applesauce, so do you. The best part was, unless something was seriously wrong with your childhood, no real damage is done once you “break up.” Breaking up was often as simple as, “I don’t want to go with you, anymore.” It seems odd that some adults still conduct themselves in relationships as do children. They jump into commitments with people, having no idea of the depths of who that person really is. They saunter along, having few expectations and even fewer standards. The only difference is, when there is a break-up, it’s not nearly as harmless as it was in the good ole’ days. Mature relationships begin as honest friendships that grow as two people learn more about each other AND the impact of what they’ve learned on their lives.
Bragging
Even the best kids sometimes like to rub their good fortune in their friends’ faces. Everyone remembers the kids who always got he cool toys first…and how they always made sure everyone know they got them. Women who know when to grow up have abandoned this practice. They love their friends enough to offer help where needed, and not to scoff at the prospect of inciting envy in them. Everyone also remembers the kid who loved to lie about what their parents had bought them because they wanted attention. Many women also live their lives this way. They say they’re happy when they’re miserable; enlightened when they’re clueless; affluent when they’re broke; and content when they’re covetous. They do it, I think, in hopes that those around them will begin to feel as inadequate as they already do. My mother always told me that when you’ve got yourself together, you don’t have to tell a soul. They know by the way you carry yourself. Even more so, they know it by the way you treat others. And, when you treat others well, good things come back to you, allowing you to continue to be an example.
Slavery to the Myth of Popularity
The desire to be well-liked by others has a tremendous effect on kids. It often determines how they speak, what they wear, who they talk to, what they ask their parents to pack for lunch and an host of other things. The sad thing is, there are far too many women who negotiate their behavior in this same manner. They live their lives based not upon what they truly want, but upon how to want things other people think they should. It could be that pop culture magazines and television shows determine how they present themselves to the public. In other instances, they may dumb down their personalities to fit in with a cooler, more low-key crowd. They may become promiscuous, drink excessively or dabble in illegal drugs to ensure that those around them find them acceptable. And, in the process of all of this, these women become losers. They lose their sense of self. They lose their grip on self-esteem. They lose sight of their dreams. They lose themselves. Sometimes, they’re so busy relishing in the myth of popularity that they don’t even realize what they’ve lost.
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These are just my thoughts, tapped away on my keyboard before bedtime. It just seems that I find myself wanting to tell people that the schoolyard called because it wanted its nonsense and foolishness back. But, since that’d be rude, I just blogged it, instead. Good night!
