Women Who Know When to Grow Up
As I draw nearer and nearer to age thirty, it seems that I’ve become increasingly aware of the subset of women (OK, and people generally) who shun the process of true maturation. To many women, growing up is a biological process– the hallmarks of which are readily apparent when one glances in the mirror. To others, it is the gradual journey toward financial independence. And yet to some, it means mastering their ability to use their sexual energy to get what they want. What seems lost on all too many is, the true indication of whether you have truly “grown up” is when you leave childish things behind you.
Playing Dress Up
When we were little girls, we would put on our mothers’ clothes or silly costumes and pretend that we were different people. One day we were a princess, and the next, we were a pirate. There was no harm in it–in fact, it helped nurture our imaginations. However, when you become a woman, you realize that the clothes you wear cannot transport you to a different existence. You will not suddenly become another person if you buy that dress you saw in the window, no matter how much you wish that you would. Not even the best of makeover shows can change who you are. Evolving from a girl to a woman involves distancing yourself from the childish tendency for external factors to determine what your contribution to the world will be. You are no longer simply an impressionable receptacle seeking direction. Suddenly, what you have to offer those of us on the outside matters a lot more than silly, trite imaginations based on nothing more than what you appear to be.
Playing House
Women who know when to grow up do not assign imaginary roles to the people in the lives with the expectation that they will play along. When we were children, we would play games and become livid if we assigned Johnny the role of father and he decided that he would be the family golden retriever. We would pitch a fit if we told our best friend Jill to play the role of little sister, and she decided that she was the mommy. Growing up means knowing that we cannot change the behavior of other people. No matter how good our intentions may be, it is neither our responsibility nor our right to prescribe behavior for others. That means that if you’ve had occasion to date a guy who says that he’s not looking for anything serious, it’s not our job to tell him “what kind of man he should be.” Even more importantly than that, if you decide to be with him, maturity means that you don’t walk through life pretending that he’s become that dream man, when he hasn’t. No charade lasts forever. No facade fools the world.
Taddling
When you’ve grown up, you know how to keep your mouth shut, when appropriate. Building relationships of trust with other people means you learn to contain the personal aspects of your relationships, as best you can. You do not want to be the woman who runs and tells everything that happens to her every hour of every day. My belief is, that behavior is rooted in the undying desire to be liked and noticed. When someone offends us, we feel disliked. Inversely, when we tell on them, and another person takes up for us, we feel validated by their compassion and by the attention they’ve given us. The only problem is, when the smoke settles around our transgressor, and we repair our relationship, we’ve forever damaged their reputation in the eyes of others. Where does that leave us?
Make-Believe “Romance”
What I remembered about “romantic” relationships from my youth was that they were almost always predicated on silly, senseless things. I remember once, a boy asked me if I would “go with him” for fourth period. I said yes, and by the time the bell rang, he’d told everyone in my class that he was my man. I was mortified. When you’re young, you don’t really know what you like about people. All you know is that you like them. And, that you like them, A LOT. There are few expectations. If he likes playing UNO, you do too. If he likes applesauce, so do you. The best part was, unless something was seriously wrong with your childhood, no real damage is done once you “break up.” Breaking up was often as simple as, “I don’t want to go with you, anymore.” It seems odd that some adults still conduct themselves in relationships as do children. They jump into commitments with people, having no idea of the depths of who that person really is. They saunter along, having few expectations and even fewer standards. The only difference is, when there is a break-up, it’s not nearly as harmless as it was in the good ole’ days. Mature relationships begin as honest friendships that grow as two people learn more about each other AND the impact of what they’ve learned on their lives.
Bragging
Even the best kids sometimes like to rub their good fortune in their friends’ faces. Everyone remembers the kids who always got he cool toys first…and how they always made sure everyone know they got them. Women who know when to grow up have abandoned this practice. They love their friends enough to offer help where needed, and not to scoff at the prospect of inciting envy in them. Everyone also remembers the kid who loved to lie about what their parents had bought them because they wanted attention. Many women also live their lives this way. They say they’re happy when they’re miserable; enlightened when they’re clueless; affluent when they’re broke; and content when they’re covetous. They do it, I think, in hopes that those around them will begin to feel as inadequate as they already do. My mother always told me that when you’ve got yourself together, you don’t have to tell a soul. They know by the way you carry yourself. Even more so, they know it by the way you treat others. And, when you treat others well, good things come back to you, allowing you to continue to be an example.
Slavery to the Myth of Popularity
The desire to be well-liked by others has a tremendous effect on kids. It often determines how they speak, what they wear, who they talk to, what they ask their parents to pack for lunch and an host of other things. The sad thing is, there are far too many women who negotiate their behavior in this same manner. They live their lives based not upon what they truly want, but upon how to want things other people think they should. It could be that pop culture magazines and television shows determine how they present themselves to the public. In other instances, they may dumb down their personalities to fit in with a cooler, more low-key crowd. They may become promiscuous, drink excessively or dabble in illegal drugs to ensure that those around them find them acceptable. And, in the process of all of this, these women become losers. They lose their sense of self. They lose their grip on self-esteem. They lose sight of their dreams. They lose themselves. Sometimes, they’re so busy relishing in the myth of popularity that they don’t even realize what they’ve lost.
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These are just my thoughts, tapped away on my keyboard before bedtime. It just seems that I find myself wanting to tell people that the schoolyard called because it wanted its nonsense and foolishness back. But, since that’d be rude, I just blogged it, instead. Good night!
Women Who Know How to Say I’m Sorry
Apologizing has never, ever been my strongsuit. Over time, though, I’ve realized that I had to do better.
A little while ago, I ran into an ex-boyfriend. We’d broken up almost a decade ago and it was all my fault. I was young and I didn’t understand the value of candor in communication. So, when I found that I’d outgrown our relationships (as is often the case in college), I didn’t tell him–I just started screening calls. The truth is, this guy was an absolute gem. He treated me with love, honor and respect. He always made me feel special. He just wasn’t the guy for me. Anyway, when I ran into him a little while ago, I pulled him aside and apologized for hurting him. I told him I was wrong for treating him as though he didn’t deserve the respect of an explanation.
When I began my apology, I thought he was going to turn and walk away. Fortunately, he didn’t. And, because he stayed to listen, we were able to let bygones be bygones. I don’t carry that guilt around with me; he doesn’t carry that anger. Both of us had already moved on with our lives, and I’m glad that there was still room in our hearts for forgiveness. He can be a better man for the women in his life, and I can be a better woman, knowing that I had confronted one of my mistakes face-to-face.
I guess the point is that none of that would have happened if I hadn’t learned to say, “I’m sorry.” I’m not talking about the kind of apologies that you give when you’ve done something impulsive that you instantly regret. I mean, the kind of apologies you give when you have to admit that you deliberately chose a course of action that you knew would hurt someone because it was more convenient for you. I’m talking about the kinds of apologies that make you ashamed for the instant before you feel redeemed.
Women Who Know to Be Nice, Though She Wants Your Man
OK. So, I’ve kind of talked about this before. Sometimes, it seems that more women are after your boyfriend as soon as he’s in a relationship with you. And, from time to time, your man has a DIE HARD FAN. You know, like…the girl who tries to play it extremely close with him and throw you off with the title, “platonic friend.”
The knee-jerk reaction to a woman like this is hostility–you want to treat her as an enemy. Honestly, this approach is hard to resist because even when you’re secure in your relationship, you’re annoyed by blatant disrespect. BUT, I’ve learned that displays of hostility aren’t the way to go. They’ll just give her something to talk to your man about. And, believe me, she’s looking for more reasons to communicate with him, every single day.
My humble opinion is that, per usual with relationships between two HONEST adults, communication is key:
1. Talk to your boyfriend about it, candidly. I’m not suggesting that you run to him and say, “I HATE YOUR FRIEND!!!” Instead, after assessing the situation for yourself and determining that her motives are likely to impact your relationship, approach your significant other with candor and honesty. Remember, you’re not on the battle path–you are just trying to understand what’s going on. Maybe he can give you some perspective. Maybe he knows she has feelings for him, but the two of them have come to an understanding about boundaries. Then again, maybe he’s clueless and will appreciate your perspective. Heck, maybe you’re wrong and the woman has no interest in him at all. Whatever the case, you’ll never know unless you talk.
2. Meet her. Sometimes, all it takes for a woman to back off of a man is looking at his situation and realizing that he is entirely out of reach. If you’ve never made this woman’s acquaintance, you are likely no more than a mythological villain standing between her and true love. If she’s a good person, meeting you, and seeing what a GREAT person you are may cause her conscience to kick in. Trust me, I know some women are unscrupulous, but I’d like to believe that we all have a little good in us. And, if she doesn’t, you’ll never be sure about that, either, unless you meet her.
3. Be nice. I know it’s tough, but when you are fully aware that some chick is walking around trying to get the best of you, be nice, OK? When you see her, speak to her. Don’t roll your eyes or contort your face…there’s no point to that, anyway. Try to make him feel comfortable about inviting her out with you guys when you hang with groups. You don’t really want to make him feel torn between the two of you. If you’re in a serious relationship, there should be no competition, anyway. Chances are, if she’s uncomfortable, you won’t have her in your hair, anyway. She won’t come around if she feels threatened.
4. Don’t think about her, too much. I’ll be honest and say that in the past, I’ve let the motives of another woman consume my thoughts for a day or two. It was never really that I felt threatened, but I was very easily annoyed. I felt that I had to find a way to make my presence known. But, plotting is a really crappy way to spend a day. And, plotting is what women like them do, not women like me. I found out that being myself kept me happy. And, because my boyfriend loved me, being myself kept him happy, too. So, while I’m no sucker, I had to really draw a line between being aware and being consumed.
5. Don’t start treating your man like crap. It’s easy to get upset with the wanna-be other woman and take it out on your boyfriend. Unless he’s doing a poor job of managing her antics, or he’s cheating on you, give him a little credit. That whole, “men are from Mars” line of thinking has some merit. As women, we have less trouble figuring out which of our “feelings” for us. Maybe it’s because our “friends” are rarely as subtle as women are. Anywho, if he hasn’t fallen for this woman, give him some credit for being a good guy. If he’s letting the line between them get a little too fuzzy, just talk to him respectfully, as an adult. If he respects your feelings, he’ll do a better job of drawing boundaries. If he doesn’t, you didn’t need to be with him, anyway.
**Disclaimer: This post is for women in loving, healthy relationships who love themselves. It’s not applicable to women whose men are cheating with “other women.” **
Women Who Know Game Part I: Don’t Believe Your Own Hype
It always amazes me how little some women understand about “game.” I mean, the things men say and do that are specifically designed to make women believe illusions over reality. Look, I’m a fan of men. I’m in a loving relationship. But, I grew up with older brothers who always taught me to keep an eye out for the stinky stuff (cow manure). They told me to pay attention to the things that people do, and much less to what they say. If it seems like a man is always talking, chances are, he’s not saying much.
Part One: YOUR EGO!
One of the biggest pitfalls for some women in relationships can be ego. They don’t realize that some men know to tell you what you want to hear, regardless of whether it’s true.
Examples:
1. He goes on and on and ON about how beautiful, fine, or ravishing you are (and little else). He makes you believe that everything he does for you is based on how a look at your face makes his heart skip a beat. Think about it, if your looks are truly enough to make this man submit to your every whim, what kind of dumb man is he? More likely than not, he knows you want to hear that you’re pretty–he knows that it makes you feel good. If you feel good, you’re more likely to do what he would like for you to do. Now, don’t get me wrong, sincere compliments are great from time to time. Every woman should be beautiful to her man. But, if he seems like he cares about little else, there’s a problem. Either you’re getting gamed, or he has REALLY low self-esteem.
2. He tells you he’s whipped! Listen, we know that men like sex. But, some men want for you to believe that sex with you is SO VASTLY DIFFERENT from sex with other women that it will make him do any and everything you want for him to. OK, some men are whipped. But, if a man is constantly TELLING you he is, he’s probably trying to gas your head up to distract you from something else–maybe his insecurity, maybe his infidelity…who knows. I’m not trying to demean your skills in any way; but, you’re not the only fish in the sea who knows how to…
3. He tells you you’re too good for him. OK. So, do you really want a man who feels inadequate? I wouldn’t. Still, some women love for men to tell them that they’re “too good” for them so that they can feel good about themselves. They play the “bad boy” role and let you play the role of the good girl who can save them from themselves. Be careful because you may end up being the girl who gives, gives, gives and rarely gets anything in return. He made you into his hero. Joke is on you.
The bottom line: Don’t deceive yourself into believing that on the basis of something almost entirely superficial, you are the best thing since sliced bread. Your ego can be the death of you because you will, as my grandmother would say, get too big for your britches. OK, I love myself. I think I’m great. But, my mother taught me never to believe my own hype. Insincere flattery is nothing to covet. It’s just nothingness. Don’t get gamed believing you’re something no woman truly is. Any woman can get left alone. I promise.
Women Who Know Jealousy Bites
I never understand the women that are so threatened by other women that it causes them to treat their men differently. You know, the women who hold their men SUPER TIGHT as soon as you walk by, or the ones who are always accusing him of looking at other women. They’re always on guard, watching his every move to make sure he does absolutely nothing to indicate that he even knows that other women EXIST.
Women who know remember that their significant others chose to be with them, and not the other women. Of course, this post isn’t all that applicable to women who date cheaters, because they’re insecure for more proximate reasons (in which case, they need to move on). I intend to address the women who have good, dedicated men but have so much baggage that they want to make their men feel like scumbags.
A Few Examples:
1) Boy and Girl go to dinner. Waitress comes to the table and takes the cocktail order from Boy. Boy asks a few questions. Waitress leaves. Girl asks, “Do you think she’s pretty? Were you flirting with her???”
2) Boy and Girl go to the beach. A troop of bikini-clad girls walk in front of the couple. Boy notices, and then averts his eyes to the sand. Too late. Girl exclaims, “Were you just looking at those girls?!?” It’s no longer a nice day at the beach.
3) Boy and Girl hang out with some of Girl’s beautiful friends. After they are alone, Girl asks, “Do you think Suzie’s pretty?” Then…she asks…”Do you think she’s prettier than me?” No matter his answer, she’s in a funk for the rest of the day.
4) Boy and Girl are watching TV. A beautiful actress graces the screen. Girl asks the same questions in #3. Again, Boy is doomed, no matter what he says.
5) This may be the worst one. Boy and Girl are flipping through old photos, and run across a picture of Boy’s ex. Maybe Boy and Girl are on a date and Boy’s ex walks by. In either case, Girl asks Boy whether he’s still attracted to his ex OR whether he thinks she’s as pretty as the ex. Again, Boy is doomed, no matter what he says.
If have a good man whom you love and want to be with, you’ve got to learn to resist the urge to operate based on past experiences with other men. Additionally, if your boyfriend has made mistakes in the past for which you have forgiven him, you can’t continue to punish him for his misdeeds. If he has corrected his behavior and the two of you have moved on, living in the past isn’t going to make things better. There’s no place for “payback” in a loving relationship. If you can’t trust him, or he’s not worthy of your trust, there’s no reason to be with him. If you want to be with him, you’d better find a way to respect and trust him.
Let’s face it, unless your man is suddenly gay, he’s not going to stop appreciating other beautiful women. Sure, he’d better not break his neck looking at other women when he’s with you, but if his eyes unconsciously find themselves on another woman for a second or two, what’s the harm? Do you honestly think that he doesn’t notice women when you’re not around? You should be proud that although you are not the only beautiful woman in the world, you’re the one he wants to be with. I guarantee you that you’ve looked at other men around him, but he either failed to notice or had the discretion to let it go. I know that my boyfriend knows that I’m looking at more than hurdles and clay lanes when we watch the male runners at the Beijing Games…David Oliver? Whew. And, I know that when the women run, he’s noticing more than start times. Big deal. He loves me.
I’ve had friends tell me that they intend to be the wife who tags along with her husband everywhere he goes because you can’t trust other women. My question is, what about HER life? I doubt very seriously that our divine purpose as women consists entirely of policing men and the women who find them attractive. Men have free will; so do the women who want them. So long as that is the case, you can never, EVER, truly control what he does. When you try, you make yourself miserable and push him away in the process. Who wants to be around someone who treats them like a criminal under surveillance? Men aren’t as stupid as we sometimes pretend they are. They know when they’re being closely scrutinized. Those who aren’t cheating may find a reason to once they realize how little you trust them. Those who are just get better at deception.
Women who know, believe if you can’t trust him, you leave him. If you dislike yourself so much that you can’t believe that men can be faithful to you, go seek help before bringing someone into your life for “happiness.” Nobody can give you self-esteem; no one is capable of taking it away. You give it away. And, every time you give your weakness control over your behavior, you show this man that you are incapable of truly loving him. So, you are slowly ruining what you claim to be preserving. Even if he NEVER leaves you, you’ll never have his heart–just the shell he presents to you. The two of you will be miserable, together. What kind of life is that?
Women Who Know How to Hush
It’s simple: you cannot maintain a relationship if you allow your friends to interfere, constantly. In one way or another, I’ve written about this already. Unless you want for your man to be “with” your friends, in no event should your friends know everything about your relationship.
There comes a time when you grow up and realize that part of being an adult is coping with your issues all by yourself. In truth, your friends can’t truly understand your dilemma because they only know what you tell them. So, they can’t help but be biased. Consider that.
At the end of the day, people make mistakes. Your boyfriend is not excluded. So, cut him some slack. When he messes up, your reaction shouldn’t always be to run to your friends to report. Instead, communicate with him and and try to work it out. If you always make your loved ones aware of his missteps, they won’t be able to appreciate his virtue. Don’t smear his image, unnecessarily. If you choose to, you’ll be stuck trying to convince your friends to accept him in the long run.
OK. That’s it. Just learn how to hush.
Women Who Know Beauty Isn’t Everything
OK, most women like compliments. When someone else points out that we have it together, it feels good. There’s no harm in that. Some women, however, live their lives entirely consumed by their beauty. They seek little more in life because they believe beauty is the ticket to bliss. The obvious implication of this obsession with looks is that these women tend to puff themselves up unnecessarily and are destined to be deflated by someone who’s had enough of the madness; but, the subtler ramification is that the women severely devalue their own potential. In doing so, they rob themselves of meaningful relationships and experiences.
Looks Do Matter…
I was raised to strive for excellence in every aspect of my life. My mother was raised in the era where ladies still wore dresses, fine perfume and pearls. She raised me to carry myself like a lady at all times. So, I never believed that looks were inconsequential. But, she also taught me that once anyone of worth meets the outer me, they will always look deeper. If they found that nothing was there, they’d have no reason to make me a part of their lives. Plainly put, “pretty ain’t gonna do it.”
…But, Pretty Comes a Dime a Dozen.
I live in a cosmopolitan city where pretty is everywhere. In Atlanta, the streets seem to be covered with entertainers, groupies, video “vixens”, professional women, blue collar women, strippers, etc. On an ordinary day, men can’t tell one type from the other with a quick glance. Still, despite the fierce aesthetic competition, it seems that so many women here fail to realize that to get in the game and stay in the lead, you’ve got to have something ELSE to set you apart. Instead of becoming unique individuals, these women merely work even harder at being more of the same–the same handbag; same hair; same footwear; and, so on.
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Who Knows?
This blog is for the women who know how to love themselves, their family, their friends and their men. I like to think of this space as a place where we can share ideas, experiences and opinions so that the women who don’t know may be enlightened.
