Women Who Know It’s Not a Real Relationship (It’s Just One of Those Things…)
Every woman has a friend who’s always the sideshow and never the main event but somehow manages to think she’s somebody’s girlfriend. There’s never very much dating in her “dating” life, at all. You hear about the guys she’s seeing, but you never see them. From the very beginning, their “dates” consist mainly of him coming to visit her apartment or her driving to visit him. Usually, the visits are conveniently after clubs and lounges close. The only connection you perceive between them is physical. Yet, instead of calling the tryst what it is, your friend SWEARS that this guy is her “boyfriend.” You don’t quite get it, because it makes her look foolish. But, it’s not your business, so you just grin & nod when she goes on and on about her new love. You let her take that trip to the moon on gossamer wings.
Ok, so maybe it’s not a “friend” I referenced above. Maybe it’s you. Every woman has gone through this at some point. Maybe there’s a first date, but not many thereafter. He’s infatuated with all things physical, but not much else. You hear about him hanging out with his friends, but it never dawns on you that you’ve never met them. He talks about the two of you doing things like taking trips or nice dinners, but it never happens. So, you settle for his spontaneous visits to your house at ungodly hours. The two of you get along just fine, but something is missing. Eventually, you mention it to him and he dismisses it. He shoots you some lame excuse like, you knew how he was from the beginning. Maybe he tells you that his money is tight. When you ask how he affords to hang out with his friends so much, he tells you to drop it. In your heart you know this guy doesn’t value or respect you, but you let him stick around because you’re lonely. The worst thing is you portray your “relationship” to your friends as much more than it is. You’re just waiting for the house of cards to fall.
You have better things to do! Women who know, value their time. There are hundreds of things you could be doing instead of sitting at home waiting for some marginally interested guy whom you call your man to call you or take you out. Even if you’re not sitting at home (we have cell phones these days), you allow him to occupy your thoughts. Think about it, when you’re upset, you waste time talking to your girlfriends about it, writing e-mails to him about it, or just thinking about it for hours. That’s time you’re not spending focused on God, family, friends, or your career. And, guess what? He is not likely spending nearly as much time thinking about not spending time with you.
So…why do some women insist on faux commitments with guys like this? He does nothing for them outside of the bedroom (or maybe he really does nothing there). He shows little respect for their time. Everything they do seems to revolve around his schedule. And, though she talks to all of her friends and family about him, his friends and family know little to nothing about her. Yet, he’s their “man.” More likely than not, the women do it because they’re insecure. They don’t think they can do better than what they’ve got. Or, if they think they can, they don’t feel like waiting on Mr. Right. Sometimes, women think they can change the guy into Mr. Right. Wrong answer.
Here are a few hints that you’re NOT in a REAL relationship:
1. He can always get you, but you can never get him. We all remember this from Sex in the City when Big was lovesick. Whenever you’re with someone and you answer every time he calls, but he seldom answers when you call, you’re not in a real relationship.
2. He only calls you late at night. If a man can only find time to call you after every movie show time has passed, every restaurant has closed, every club’s cover has jumped up three times, and the only thing to watch on TV is infomercials, you’re not in a real relationship. You’re getting the time nobody else wanted, anyway.
3. He only visits you late at night. See above. And, you know what he wants–it’s not to chat about the future. If you’re truly a woman who can have “detached” physical relationships, you wouldn’t be hell bent on calling him your man. So, stop fronting. You want more from him than what you’re getting, but you think the comfort of his arms somehow makes up for your lack of self-respect. Life will never deliver to you what you deserve until you start behaving like you deserve it. WAKE UP!
4. He always finds an excuse to avoid meeting your friends. In your mind, he’s just a busy guy. In reality, meeting your friends just doesn’t matter to him. Men who love you eventually want to understand your life outside of your relationship. Men who DON’T care about you could care less.
5. YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE! All of his sentences regarding the two of you hanging out begin with, “Do you want to come over?”. Though you are accustomed to better, you convince yourself that conventional dating is superficial and what really matters is that you’re spending time together. Right? Wrong. If you enjoy leaving the house every now and again, he’s probably aware of that. He’s just not interested in obliging you. I’m not promoting some materialistic view of dating, but I’ve experienced that men who care about me want to make me happy; and, I want to do the same for them.
6. He’s a mystery. You know absolutely nothing about him. The two of you never find time to talk about his life outside of your “relationship.” Of course, there are some good guys who have trouble opening up to even the people closest to them. But, there are others to whom you feel like total and complete strangers. To these guys, you’re not their “girlfriend.” At worst, you’re just some girl; at best, you’re a “cool” girl. In either case, you’re nowhere near as important to him as he has become to you.
The bottom line is, placing obligatory labels on a relationship cannot change their true character. You can call someone your “man” or your “boyfriend” until you grow hoarse, but that will not change a thing. Keeping up a facade of a relationship not only tires you, but it makes you look very silly. Treating a disrespectful man as a security blanket not only shields you from what you perceive as loneliness, it also serves as a barrier, keeping away men who may actually treat you as you deserve to be treated. Let your pretend relationship go. It isn’t taking you anywhere.
Women Who Know Friendship II-Women Being Friends to One Another
We hear it all the time: women can’t get along. Women who know get along all of the time. Sure, we can find ourselves parting ways with certain friends, but it isn’t because we’re [nasty, catty] women. Sometimes, it’s simply because we forget the bond we share as women.
Part I of this post discussed the platonic bond that a man and a woman can share–and the walls that sometimes erect themselves as a result of romantic desires or misunderstandings. Managing friendships with other women should be easier without the added dynamic of sexual attraction. I’ve found that my positive friendships with women from my birth forward, have had quite an impact on my life. My first true friend was my mother; then my aunts; then my sister and cousins. From them, I learned how to treat the girls and women I met later in life.
1. Don’t be the NOSY friend.
I always believed that my mother was the exemplary friend. She was kind and considerate. She listened and gave sound advice. She butted out when it was the best thing to do. She tried to impart what she knew to me from as early as I can remember. I remember once in middle school, I found out that my friend’s “boyfriend” was cheating (for whatever that’s worth in middle school). I, of course, thought that the best thing to do was to tell my friend what I’d seen. My mother told me that it wasn’t my business. I told my friend that she should dump her good-for-nothing man(boy), anyway. What happened? Everybody ended up being pissed at me for opening my BIG MOUTH! That day, I learned that being a good friend didn’t mean trying to control my friends’ lives or making decisions for them. It meant knowing that we were in each other’s lives because we were great people, not because we were the same person.
Too often, we as women become far too involved in the small, personal details of one another’s lives. We tell each other who to date, who to leave alone, who to call, when to call them, whether to curse them out or not, etc. We miss so much of true friendship when we impose ourselves on each other. I am not suggesting that we shouldn’t know anything about our friends’ lives or that we shouldn’t help one another. I’m merely saying that we observe boundaries. Our true friends know that they can depend on us; we don’t have to constantly remind them.
A few hints: Do you get annoyed when your friends don’t share EVERYTHING in their lives? Do you constantly give unsolicited advice? Do you interrogate your friends about everything new in their lives, whether it be a date, a job, an outing? Once they share, do you have an uncontrollable urge to tell them how you feel? If you answered yes, you are NOSY. Your friends will stop sharing with you if you don’t show some self-control. Get a grip.
2. Don’t be the cripple friend.
The cripple friend uses her friends as crutches. It seems like she always has a problem. Usually, it’s either with a man or some woman she can’t stand. Clearly, good friends listen to one another; BUT we should always evaluate what our goal is when our friends lend their ears. It should never be to get our friend to carry our burdens for us. When friends love us enough to serve as counsel, we should love them enough to value their time and their energy.
Sometimes, we face challenges that call for the shoulder of a friends; other times, we go through problems that we can and should work out on our own. If you notice that you solicit advice from your friends to make you feel better for the moment, but not because you intend to change the course of your behavior, you’re a cripple friend. If, when faced with a problem, your first impulse is to pick up your phone and dial your girlfriend and not to think things through on your own, you just might be cripple. Take some time to do a self-evaluation, or you will drain your friends (and they will run clear of your path whenever you come around). If you’re unhappy or unfulfilled, your friends can help you by loving you, but they can’t solve your problems. You shouldn’t make them try.
3. Don’t be the green-eyed friend.
Jealousy. Some women can’t maintain friendships because they spend all of their time comparing themselves to the women in their lives. Am I thinner than her? Is she prettier than me? Does he like her? Why isn’t he attracted to me? In truth, these women aren’t friends, they’re adversaries.
From a very early age, little girls are taught to sit there and look pretty. Subconsciously, we also learn to look at other little girls to figure out how we measure up. Women who never learn to look at themselves outside of the glare of others are doomed to a life of insecurity. The undoubtedly, unwittingly, make their friends the enemy. A few hints: Do you wince whenever someone compliments your friends? Do you look at yourself AFTER someone compliments your friend to determine why you haven’t received the same compliment? Do you minimize your friends’ accomplishments or positive traits (i.e. “He likes you because you have big boobs.”). If you answered yes to these questions, you’re probably a green-eyed friend. Take some time to figure out what you love about yourself–I promise, you’ll be a much happier friend.
4. Don’t be the negative friend.
Some women love to tell their friends EVERYTHING they disagree with. They find it very difficult to tell their friends what they like. Indeed, it’s doubtful whether they like anything at all. If their friend makes a career choice, they ask why they didn’t choose another. If their friend makes a friend, they point out the stranger’s flaws. If their friend finds a love-interest, they caution her about getting hurt. Negative friends are miserable and they want you to be miserable too. Don’t fall into the trap. You may end up cleaning up their mess and could possibly lose something you truly cherish.
A few hints: Do you find yourself constantly discouraging your friends from doing something they really want to do, even though you don’t really have a reason? Are you more eager to point out someone’s faults before you point out their virtue? Are you more willing to believe an awful explanation of a thing before believing an equally rational, alternate happy explanation? When your girlfriend is down, do you encourage her to see the bright side, or do you drive her deeper into her sorrow? If you answered yes to these questions, you might be a negative friend. All I can say is, stop hating. Just kidding. Seriously, if you’re never on the sunny side of the street, take a moment to think about what’s going on in your life to make you so gloomy. Your friends will begin to detest you. Or, what’s worse, you could end up making your friends share your low self-esteem and you’ll be miserable together. Maybe that’s what you want? Ah well.
The Bottom Line: When there’s something wrong with you, be careful not to unload it on your friends. They love you and will likely try to take as much as they can for you, but it’s not fair for you to abuse the privilege of their affection. As adults, we must learn how to cope with things so that we can be great counselors, too. If we dump everything undesirable about ourselves onto our friends (through nosiness, negativity, jealousy or anything else), we hurt ourselves because our friends are no longer at their best. That means that the friendship isn’t at its best, either.
**These categories are not exclusive to women…but this is a blog for women who know…so…SORRY GUYS!
Women Who Know Real Friendship I-Being a Platonic Friend to A Man
I was talking to one of my best guy friends the other day about managing romantic relationships with other friendship. We talked about what good friends we’d been to one another, and what made the difference between our friendship and so many other male/female so-called friendships. He told me that he loved his girlfriend and that he could never, in this phase of his life, invite a person into his life who would interfere with his happiness. He said that he’d grown to understand that he had to walk away from friends who put their own selfish needs before the duties of friendship.
By “the duties of friendship,” I mean the responsibility of knowing that another human being trusts you to be a part of their life, indefinitely. Friendship is a give and take exchange. There are times when one friend takes more than the other is prepared to give, but at the end of the day, reciprocity is not a lost concept.
My friend was talking about walking away from the kinds of female friends who juxtapose themselves against the love of your life for the purposes of measuring their own worth to you. These are the friends who, as soon as you get into a relationship, look at the time you are spending with your love interest and immediately compare it to the amount of time you spend with them. If your time with your love outweighs the time spent with your friend, the friend is very unhappy. So, the friend calls you excessively, criticizes your mate constantly, and makes discouraging remarks as often as they can.
It seems that women who don’t know find themselves being this kind of awful friend to the men in their lives. Immediately upon meeting a new girl in their friend’s life, they are critical, negative and calculating. My humble opinion is that women who behave this way do so either because they are insecure about their own prospects for finding love or because they have unrequited feelings for their “friend.”
These bad friends come in a couple of varieties:
1) The Let’s Be Alone Together Friends (Or, Let’s At Least Make Sure You’re Alone): These women embody the old adage, “misery loves company.” When both she and her guy friend are single, they talk about how awful the dating scene is; now tired they are of playing games; and how they’d rather be alone than be unhappy. If SHE is lucky enough to find someone to date for a spell, HE has to hear ALL about it. Likewise, he hears just as much about the breakup. Unfortunately, if HE finds someone special, she doesn’t want to hear about the bliss–only the misery. She wants to hear about the fights and not the romance; the lack of trust but never the divine assurance. Truly, when he talks to his insecure friend about how great love can be, she winces because she can’t quite believe him, based on her own circumstances.
When women become this kind of friend to a man, they often project their own flaws onto the woman in his life. For example, if a woman regards herself as untrustworthy, she often tries to convince her male friend that his girlfriend is the same…and so on. When men keep these kinds of women around them, they reduce the likelihood that their romantic relationships will succeed because their focus is often in the wrong place–they become more concerned about the perception others have of their relationship than examining reality. They risk becoming so wrapped up in what their friends think about their woman, that the fail to see her for who she really is.
Women who know never want their friend to lose love based on misunderstandings. They want for their friends to make decisions based on truth that they uncover on their own. So, if their friend is in a relationship that appears certain to fail, they restrain themselves from giving unsolicited advice, save in the most dire of circumstances. If they respect their friend, they know that he will eventually see what they do and act appropriately. They trust him to come to them if he needs help, but they generally butt out if he does not. Even when he DOES ask for help, they temper their advice to his own well-being. They ask questions like, “How do you feel about that?” and “What do you plan to do?” They try their best to steer clear from comments such as, “Let me tell you what I would do.” and “You need to leave.” This is because women who know understand that what’s good for one is not always good for the other, and, what’s most important is that their friend think through his next move ON HIS OWN and assess what is best for him, based on his unique needs.
2) The Secret Admirer Friends. Honesty is the foundation of any meaningful friendship. This means that in one’s deliberate actions directed at her friends, she should be as transparent as possible. I don’t think this is difficult to do–unless, of course, the emotional dynamics of the relationship change, unbenownst to one of the friends. Extraneous feelings cloud the duties of friendship. As a result, some women end up treating their good friends as they would someone who is much MORE than a friend. She expects things of him that you wouldn’t otherwise expect–like that he spend the amount of time with you that he would a romantic interest; that he “escort” you places as would a romantic interest; that he refrain from talking about the women in his life with you out of “consideration” of your feelings. I don’t think that women who do this are always malicious. Sometimes, it’s largely unconscious. Undoubtedly though, at one point of another, these women realize that they have feelings for the man they call their “friend.” At that point, they must be very careful not to treat him differently, if doing that would hurt him in the end.
I learned the truth about love through my faith. The truth is, love is patient and kind; love is not jealous and does not envy. Women who know this have better things to do with their energy than manipulate the love within their friendship to force romance where it has no place. We can’t control for whom we develop feelings, but we can control our behavior once we realize how we feel. If we temper our actions with patience and kindness, we won’t become anxious about would could be between ourselves and our friends. We won’t get jealous because our friends have lives outside of our friendship. We will place the healthy compassion we can show for others at the top of our emotional priority lists.
The Bottom Line: With proper perspective, being a good platonic friend to a man often requires little more than being a good friend to a woman. Some people can become so consumed with their gender that they have forgotten how to be human beings first. Friendship demands the ability to resist the urge to be selfish. Demanding an abundance of attention or the romantic love of a friend constitutes the brand of selfishness that can destroy the foundation you’ve taken time to build together. It’s never worth it in the end. Women who know treat their male friends like human beings first. Human beings are deserving or respect, honesty, candor and consideration; human beings are deserving of patient, kind love. That’s the bottom line.
A few tips for the wise:
1. When he talks to you about his life, LISTEN, but don’t stock the information away so that you can use it to your advantage later.
2. When he talks to you about his relationship, LISTEN (you guessed it), but don’t use the information to bring him closer to you. Real friends are close, regardless.
3. When you hang out, embrace honesty about the other people in your lives so that no one gets the wrong idea about where you are in your relationship. If you find yourself in a friendship where one of you becomes jealous of the other’s love interests, something more than friendship is in the mix. Don’t let this ruin your relationship.
4. When you meet the women he dates, treat them as extensions of HIM. Don’t treat them as though they are the enemy (even when you don’t like them). If you value him as a friend, don’t complicate his life. Your friend doesn’t need the added stress of his friend feuding with his love interest.
5. If you ever develop feelings for him (or vice-versa), always consider the source of the feelings before you settle on full disclosure. For example, if the feelings stem from loneliness or jealousy, work on your own personal issues first. If they come from a genuine place, then honesty–with discretion–may be the way to go. But, always, always, always take a moment to consider your friend’s current circumstances and what role that conversation will play in his life. Sacrifice and love (platonic or otherwise) go hand in hand. Remember that.
Women Who Know How to Appreciate A Good Thing
Women who know look at relationships through the lens of the golden rule. We treat our men the way we’d want to be treated–on a good day, we treat him even better. When we have a good man in our lives, it’s far to easy to take his good deeds for granted. We accept the candy and the flowers, often without giving even the slightest consideration to how to put a smile on his face.
I know that most of the time, women believe that making sure that a man’s physical needs are attended to are the surest way to keep him close. I’d like to think that even when the physical relationship thrives, a man worth loving is far from one-dimensional. Men have feelings, too! Regardless of what they say, men like to feel wanted and appreciated. After a while, sex alone is not going to do the trick.
So, women who know listen to that special someone to find out what makes him tick. Maybe it’s recording a sporting event he’ll miss because of a business trip. It could be picking up his favorite dessert from the neighborhood bakery. Maybe it’s as simple as wearing the dress he likes so much the next time you hit the town. Every once in a while, you just might be able to spring for that special single malt scotch. The bottom line is, women aren’t the only ones who deserve to be pampered in a relationship. When he gives, we should also. It’s only fair.
Now, I am not suggesting that you go become one of those women who don’t know that men cannot be purchased–one of the women who serves as his personal ATM and always ends up on Judge Judy asking for relief. I’m talking about doing things of your own volition not because he asks, but because his love for you makes you want to see him smile. You trust him enough to live outside of the fears associated with insecurity. If he’s worth your time, he should be worth it!
It’s the simple things:
- Buy tickets for him to take a buddy to a sporting event he’s been talking about.
- A romantic dinner of his favorites at home never gets old.
- Invite his friends over to watch the game while you go out with the girls. Order or prepare his favorite game day munchies.
- After a hard day’s work, offer him a massage and a glass of wine (or a cold beer…or juice…whatever he likes).
- If he goes for surprises, help him celebrate a special day with a surprise dinner or party (or dinner party) with his favorite people.
- Help him preserve something special to him. For example, if he’s been meaning to find a place for an heirloom (as long as you’re sure he’ll be OK with it) frame it or put it in a shadow box for him so he can pass it down to his little ones.
- Use your movie software to make a little short a/b the two of you, with the focus on how much he means to you. Take your hundreds of pics and special memories and make a funny video collage and e-mail it to him while he’s at work.
- Put a sentimental card or note in his luggage before he goes away on business.
- Never forget to tell him how you feel about him and how much you appreciate him. Ask him how his day was, and, actually LISTEN.
- If he’s had a bad day, ask him if there’s anything you can do to make him feel better. If there is, try to accommodate him; if there isn’t, give him a little time and space for personal solitude.
I’m not encouraging women to be footstools, servants or concubines. I wrote this only to encourage women to sometimes, look out from that pedestal he puts you on and determine whether you’ve put him on one, as well. It can be lonely at the top. Why not bring him along???
Women Who Know, YOU Can’t Change HIS Priorities.
Women who know that while they can always be a positive influence in the life of another, they can never be the primary agent of change when it comes to his major life decisions, are on the right track. We sometimes find ourselves in relationships and friendships with men who would be perfect for us, “if only he would just…” To us, those details in need of tweaking are simple. We figure we might as well jump in and help him take those first steps, right? Wrong.
As adults, we should aspire to team up with other grown-ups who take the same accountability for their lives as we take for ours. So, if a man hasn’t yet learned how to be one, let him be until he decides to mature, on his own. Otherwise, we could end up at the end of a long journey, weary and heavy-hearted either because we worked so hard and he did not OR because we worked, he improved and then we both realize that he’s not the man for us.
My friend, Greta, has known the same man for almost ten years. They began as platonic friends in undergrad, and after about two years after college, he decided to ask her to take their relationship to the next level. In those interim years a lot had changed for them. He had moved in with a girlfriend, had a child, broken up with the woman, and moved out. He was a non-custodial superdad. Greta had no children; her only responsibilities were to build a life for herself and pursue her dreams. After a bit of hesitation, Greta gave in and decided to explore this new kind of friendship. After all, they got along so well.
Over time, she began to notice that the two of them had grown to be very different. She dreamed big and wide. He lived life day to day and never set goals so high that they weren’t guaranteed. As a parent, his top priority was his child, and she found this admirable. As a young woman on the move, her top priority was pursuing her life’s purpose, which, at the time, did not include child rearing. Still, Greta’s love life with him began to revolve almost entirely around his role as daddy and buddy. Everything they did together was during hours where he didn’t have to coach little league, cereal shop, or cartoon watch. And, she only got the time he had not already dedicated to “the guys.” There isn’t a woman worth her salt alive who wishes that her man would be a poor father. On the other hand, most women hope that by the late 20’s, men learn that spending all of their time with the guys isn’t exactly the best way to keep a woman happy.
Dating a man who can never make you a priority is an option every woman has the right to reject. You can acknowledge that he is a great person, but you also have to hope that one day, he’ll find a woman who defines relationships that in a way that comports with his own definition. If you’re not that woman, you are not in a position to change his definition; all you can do is decide whether living with it is something you can live with. If not, you can tell him how you feel, but that’s about it. You can’t make him change.
Greta tried to explain her concerns to him–that she felt slighted. That he wanted her to be at his beck and call, but that she never got the top pick. She explained that the issue was not his child–it was his unwillingness to admit that his child did not take up all of his time. For example, Saturday nights, when his child was asleep, with his mother, or with the grandparents, were seldom, if ever, dedicated quiet dinner or a movie with her–that was reserved for ESPN and Corona with his buddies. He explained to her that he didn’t know how to make time for her–that regardless of who he chose, someone would be unhappy. If he chose her, the buddies would be unhappy, and vice-versa. He was telling her that he’d chosen his friends. I’ve never dealt with a man who told me he had a hard time spending time with me because his friends would be unhappy. But, I suppose if I did meet such a man, I’d take his word for it and get a one-way ticket to St. Elsewhere.
Greta, a woman who knows, agreed with him and told him they should both move on. So, they did for a few months. Like most men, he still called her from time to time, inquiring about whether she had a new man in her life, but never offering to become that man. Time passed and somehow, they decided to give it another try. Nothing had changed. His life outside of his child was still pretty much dedicated to “the guys,” and she was still getting the leftovers (a Monday night here, a Wednesday evening there). All of their plans were last-minute, and were dictated by his convenience.
Yet again, Greta had to let him know that she doesn’t feel like he puts any significant thought into their relationship. She told him that no matter what, it wasn’t his child or his friends who came first, it was him. She told him that she never knew until the day of plans that they had any. And, this purported spontaneity was not accompanied by thoughtful outings or romantic, carefree evenings in, it was too much of the same–dinner at greasy spoons or late nights at the house. This was not Greta’s idea of a good time. His sentiments: take it or leave it.
Greta left it. She knows that she deserves a man who thinks of her as a partner and a friend. A partner because her opinion influences the direction of their relationship; a friend because how she feels is always a valid consideration in how he treats her. This man she walked away from was not torn between romance and fatherhood. He was torn between competing demands of manhood. Being an adult means every day, learning the meaning of true balance. Balance ensures that you remain sane while everyone invited into your life gets what they deserve. It means that you won’t invite a woman into your heart, if there isn’t room. If you’re a woman, and you feel as though you’ve been stuffed into a cramped, uncomfortable compromise, you have the right to speak up and move on.
Life is a gift not only to you, but to those who love and care about you. There’s no sense in allowing the burdens of another (who is unwilling to change) to cast a shadow on your light. You were created with a purpose, and God will send you someone whose purpose naturally aligns with the one you have. You will talk with him and realize how much you have in common. You will listen and hear differences that teach, rather than impede. Live life according to your divine purpose and this kind of love will come along as a pleasant, comforting surprise.
Women who know, know themselves–and–they want a man who’s pretty well acquainted with himself, too. What’s so bad about that?
Women Who Know He’s Unavailable
Everybody knows a woman who always goes for the man she cannot have. Typically, she goes after the men in her inner circle. She eagerly anticipates opportunities to convert her committed “platonic” guy friend into a friend with benefits, and she spends day and night thinking about how to get a little closer to her married co-worker. This woman does not know (or care) that committing herself to this kind of venture that will not likely yield positive results for her, and means giving a little piece of herself away, each day. In exchange for fleeting attention, she sacrifices her dignity, usually to end up–at most–in the bed with someone she’s placed on a pedestal so high she never had the opportunity to observe his flaws.
Women who know he’s unavailable value themselves enough to be motivated by more in life than mere emotions. Some people like to think of emotions as our control tower; I prefer to think of them as merely signals in the distance. I try to get a closer look at what those signals really indicate before I decide to act on them. Sometimes, they mean I haven’t spent enough time loving myself. When I was single, did I ever find myself gazing at a guy I know is taken, while thinking about how great I think we’d be together? Of course. Everyone likely has. But, after giving myself time to think about why I was so captivated by the prospect of being with him, I often found that unhealthy emotions like uncertainty, loneliness and jealousy were prevailing over peace, patience, compassion and confidence. Often, it’s not about the man, at all.
Women who know he’s unavailable respect the women in his life whom they’ve perhaps never met because they know that whatsoever a woman seweth, that shall she also reap. They know that once they’ve finally achieved bliss with a man they love, they would tremble at the prospect of another woman intentionally ruining their relationship. So, they are careful about what they send out into the universe, lest it come back to haunt them.
A woman who knows understands that no matter how unhappy her “friend” appears to be with his significant other, her place is not to manipulate their friendship for the sole purpose of alienating him from his mate. She wants a man with as little baggage as possible, so she would never create an atmosphere threatening to place her male friend in emotional turmoil. She does not ever want for him to resent her efforts once he figures them out.
Women who know he’s unavailable know that if it’s truly meant to be, they don’t have to lift a finger to bring another’s relationship to an end. For a woman who knows, it is better to delight in the warmth of knowing that she didn’t have to volitionally harm another woman (or man) to get what she wanted. In the meantime, she has better things to do with her time than calculate and malign. Committing herself to the pursuit of a person who has not yet committed himself to her in the same way is simply not an option.
Some women say, “If I could take him, then he wasn’t hers in the first place.” To some extent, that statement is true. Nevertheless, one of my law professors always reminded our class that a thief never has good title. When you “steal” something, you have possession but no true claim to it. You can carry it around, show it off or brag about it, but once someone shows up to whom it truly belongs, you will have a battle on your hands to keep it close to you. I can’t imagine that women who know want that kind of relationship–where they can never be sure where his heart rightfully belongs.
