Playing Dress Up

When we were little girls, we would put on our mothers’ clothes or silly costumes and pretend that we were different people.  One day we were a princess, and the next, we were a pirate.  There was no harm in it–in fact, it helped nurture our imaginations.  However, when you become a woman, you realize that the clothes you wear cannot transport you to a different existence.  You will not suddenly become another person if you buy that dress you saw  in the window, no matter how much you wish that you would.  Not even the best of makeover shows can change who you are.  Evolving from a girl to a woman involves distancing yourself from the childish tendency for external factors to determine what your contribution to the world will be.  You are no longer simply an impressionable receptacle seeking direction.  Suddenly, what you have to offer those of us on the outside matters a lot more than silly, trite imaginations based on nothing more than what you appear to be.

Playing House

Women who know when  to grow up do not assign imaginary roles to the people in the lives with the expectation that they will play along.  When we were children, we would play games and become livid if we assigned Johnny the role of father and he decided that he would be the family golden retriever.  We would pitch a fit if we told our best friend Jill to play the role of little sister, and she decided that she was the mommy.  Growing up means knowing that we cannot change the behavior of other people.  No matter how good our intentions may be, it is neither our responsibility nor our right to prescribe behavior for others.  That means that if you’ve had occasion to date a guy who says that he’s not looking for anything serious, it’s not our job to tell him “what kind of man he should be.”  Even more importantly than that, if you decide to be with him, maturity means that you don’t walk through life pretending that he’s become that dream man, when he hasn’t.  No charade lasts forever.  No facade fools the world.

Taddling

When you’ve grown up, you know how to keep your mouth shut, when appropriate.  Building relationships of trust with other people means you learn to contain the personal aspects of your relationships, as best you can.  You do not want to be the woman who runs and tells everything that happens to her every hour of every day.  My belief is, that behavior is rooted in the undying desire to be liked and noticed.  When someone offends us, we feel disliked.  Inversely, when we tell on them, and another person takes up for us, we feel validated by their compassion and by the attention they’ve given us.  The only problem is, when the smoke settles around our transgressor, and we repair our relationship, we’ve forever damaged their reputation in the eyes of others.  Where does that leave us?

Make-Believe “Romance”

What I remembered about “romantic” relationships from my youth was that they were almost always predicated on silly, senseless things.  I remember once, a boy asked me if I would “go with him” for fourth period.  I said yes, and by the time the bell rang, he’d told everyone in my class that he was my man.  I was mortified.  When you’re young, you don’t really know what you like about people.  All you know is that you like them.  And, that you like them, A LOT.  There are few expectations.  If he likes playing UNO, you do too.  If he likes applesauce, so do you.  The best part was, unless something was seriously wrong with your childhood, no real damage is done once you “break up.”  Breaking up was often as simple as, “I don’t want to go with you, anymore.”  It seems odd that some adults still conduct themselves in relationships as do children.  They jump into commitments with people, having no idea of the depths of who that person really is.  They saunter along, having few expectations and even fewer standards.  The only difference is, when there is a break-up, it’s not nearly as harmless as it was in the good ole’ days.  Mature relationships begin as honest friendships that grow as two people learn more about each other AND the impact of what they’ve learned on their lives.

Bragging

Even the best kids sometimes like to rub their good fortune in their friends’ faces.  Everyone remembers the kids who always got he cool toys first…and how they always made sure everyone know they got them.  Women who know when to grow up have abandoned this practice.  They love their friends enough to offer help where needed, and not to scoff at the prospect of inciting envy in them.  Everyone also remembers the kid who loved to lie about what their parents had bought them because they wanted attention.  Many women also live their lives this way.  They say they’re happy when they’re miserable; enlightened when they’re clueless; affluent when they’re broke; and content when they’re covetous.  They do it, I think, in hopes that those around them will begin to feel as inadequate as they already do.  My mother always told me that when you’ve got yourself together, you don’t have to tell a soul.  They know by the way you carry yourself.  Even more so, they know it by the way you treat others.  And, when you treat others well, good things come back to you, allowing you to continue to be an example.

Slavery to the Myth of Popularity

The desire to be well-liked by others has a tremendous effect on kids.  It often determines how they speak, what they wear, who they talk to, what they ask their parents to pack for lunch and an host of other things.  The sad thing is, there are far too many women who negotiate their behavior in this same manner.  They live their lives based not upon what they truly want, but upon how to want things other people think they should.  It could be that pop culture magazines and television shows determine how they present themselves to the public.  In other instances, they may dumb down their personalities to fit in with a cooler, more low-key crowd.  They may become promiscuous, drink excessively or dabble in illegal drugs to ensure that those around them find them acceptable.  And,  in the process of all of this, these women become losers.  They lose their sense of self.  They lose their grip on self-esteem.  They lose sight of their dreams.  They lose themselves.  Sometimes, they’re so busy relishing in the myth of popularity that they don’t even realize what they’ve lost.

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These are just my thoughts, tapped away on my keyboard before bedtime.  It just seems that I find myself wanting to tell people that the schoolyard called because it wanted its nonsense and foolishness back.  But, since that’d be rude, I just blogged it, instead.  Good night!

A little while ago, I ran into an ex-boyfriend.  We’d broken up almost a decade ago and it was all my fault.  I was young and I didn’t understand the value of candor in communication.  So, when I found that I’d outgrown our relationships (as is often the case in college), I didn’t tell him–I just started screening calls.  The truth is, this guy was an absolute gem.  He treated me with love, honor and respect.  He always made me feel special.  He just wasn’t the guy for me.  Anyway, when I ran into him a little while ago, I pulled him aside and apologized for hurting him.  I told him I was wrong for treating him as though he didn’t deserve the respect of an explanation.

When I began my apology, I thought he was going to turn and walk away.  Fortunately, he didn’t.  And, because he stayed to listen, we were able to let bygones be bygones.  I don’t carry that guilt around with me; he doesn’t carry that anger.  Both of us had already moved on with our lives, and I’m glad that there was still room in our hearts for forgiveness.  He can be a better man for the women in his life, and I can be a better woman, knowing that I had confronted one of my mistakes face-to-face.

I guess the point is that none of that would have happened if I hadn’t learned to say, “I’m sorry.”  I’m not talking about the kind of apologies that you give when you’ve done something impulsive that you instantly regret.  I mean, the kind of apologies you give when you have to admit that you deliberately chose a course of action that you knew would hurt someone because it was more convenient for you.  I’m talking about the kinds of apologies that make you ashamed for the instant before you feel redeemed.

OK. So, I’ve kind of talked about this before. Sometimes, it seems that more women are after your boyfriend as soon as he’s in a relationship with you. And, from time to time, your man has a DIE HARD FAN. You know, like…the girl who tries to play it extremely close with him and throw you off with the title, “platonic friend.”

The knee-jerk reaction to a woman like this is hostility–you want to treat her as an enemy. Honestly, this approach is hard to resist because even when you’re secure in your relationship, you’re annoyed by blatant disrespect. BUT, I’ve learned that displays of hostility aren’t the way to go. They’ll just give her something to talk to your man about. And, believe me, she’s looking for more reasons to communicate with him, every single day.

My humble opinion is that, per usual with relationships between two HONEST adults, communication is key:

1. Talk to your boyfriend about it, candidly. I’m not suggesting that you run to him and say, “I HATE YOUR FRIEND!!!” Instead, after assessing the situation for yourself and determining that her motives are likely to impact your relationship, approach your significant other with candor and honesty. Remember, you’re not on the battle path–you are just trying to understand what’s going on. Maybe he can give you some perspective. Maybe he knows she has feelings for him, but the two of them have come to an understanding about boundaries. Then again, maybe he’s clueless and will appreciate your perspective. Heck, maybe you’re wrong and the woman has no interest in him at all. Whatever the case, you’ll never know unless you talk.

2. Meet her. Sometimes, all it takes for a woman to back off of a man is looking at his situation and realizing that he is entirely out of reach. If you’ve never made this woman’s acquaintance, you are likely no more than a mythological villain standing between her and true love. If she’s a good person, meeting you, and seeing what a GREAT person you are may cause her conscience to kick in. Trust me, I know some women are unscrupulous, but I’d like to believe that we all have a little good in us. And, if she doesn’t, you’ll never be sure about that, either, unless you meet her.

3. Be nice. I know it’s tough, but when you are fully aware that some chick is walking around trying to get the best of you, be nice, OK? When you see her, speak to her. Don’t roll your eyes or contort your face…there’s no point to that, anyway. Try to make him feel comfortable about inviting her out with you guys when you hang with groups. You don’t really want to make him feel torn between the two of you. If you’re in a serious relationship, there should be no competition, anyway. Chances are, if she’s uncomfortable, you won’t have her in your hair, anyway. She won’t come around if she feels threatened.

4. Don’t think about her, too much. I’ll be honest and say that in the past, I’ve let the motives of another woman consume my thoughts for a day or two. It was never really that I felt threatened, but I was very easily annoyed. I felt that I had to find a way to make my presence known. But, plotting is a really crappy way to spend a day. And, plotting is what women like them do, not women like me. I found out that being myself kept me happy. And, because my boyfriend loved me, being myself kept him happy, too. So, while I’m no sucker, I had to really draw a line between being aware and being consumed.

5. Don’t start treating your man like crap. It’s easy to get upset with the wanna-be other woman and take it out on your boyfriend. Unless he’s doing a poor job of managing her antics, or he’s cheating on you, give him a little credit. That whole, “men are from Mars” line of thinking has some merit. As women, we have less trouble figuring out which of our “feelings” for us. Maybe it’s because our “friends” are rarely as subtle as women are. Anywho, if he hasn’t fallen for this woman, give him some credit for being a good guy. If he’s letting the line between them get a little too fuzzy, just talk to him respectfully, as an adult. If he respects your feelings, he’ll do a better job of drawing boundaries. If he doesn’t, you didn’t need to be with him, anyway.

**Disclaimer: This post is for women in loving, healthy relationships who love themselves. It’s not applicable to women whose men are cheating with “other women.” **

Part One: YOUR EGO!

One of the biggest pitfalls for some women in relationships can be ego. They don’t realize that some men know to tell you what you want to hear, regardless of whether it’s true.

Examples:

1. He goes on and on and ON about how beautiful, fine, or ravishing you are (and little else). He makes you believe that everything he does for you is based on how a look at your face makes his heart skip a beat. Think about it, if your looks are truly enough to make this man submit to your every whim, what kind of dumb man is he? More likely than not, he knows you want to hear that you’re pretty–he knows that it makes you feel good. If you feel good, you’re more likely to do what he would like for you to do. Now, don’t get me wrong, sincere compliments are great from time to time. Every woman should be beautiful to her man. But, if he seems like he cares about little else, there’s a problem. Either you’re getting gamed, or he has REALLY low self-esteem.

2. He tells you he’s whipped! Listen, we know that men like sex. But, some men want for you to believe that sex with you is SO VASTLY DIFFERENT from sex with other women that it will make him do any and everything you want for him to. OK, some men are whipped. But, if a man is constantly TELLING you he is, he’s probably trying to gas your head up to distract you from something else–maybe his insecurity, maybe his infidelity…who knows. I’m not trying to demean your skills in any way; but, you’re not the only fish in the sea who knows how to…

3. He tells you you’re too good for him. OK. So, do you really want a man who feels inadequate? I wouldn’t. Still, some women love for men to tell them that they’re “too good” for them so that they can feel good about themselves. They play the “bad boy” role and let you play the role of the good girl who can save them from themselves. Be careful because you may end up being the girl who gives, gives, gives and rarely gets anything in return. He made you into his hero. Joke is on you.

The bottom line: Don’t deceive yourself into believing that on the basis of something almost entirely superficial, you are the best thing since sliced bread. Your ego can be the death of you because you will, as my grandmother would say, get too big for your britches. OK, I love myself. I think I’m great. But, my mother taught me never to believe my own hype. Insincere flattery is nothing to covet. It’s just nothingness. Don’t get gamed believing you’re something no woman truly is. Any woman can get left alone. I promise.

I never understand the women that are so threatened by other women that it causes them to treat their men differently. You know, the women who hold their men SUPER TIGHT as soon as you walk by, or the ones who are always accusing him of looking at other women. They’re always on guard, watching his every move to make sure he does absolutely nothing to indicate that he even knows that other women EXIST.

Women who know remember that their significant others chose to be with them, and not the other women. Of course, this post isn’t all that applicable to women who date cheaters, because they’re insecure for more proximate reasons (in which case, they need to move on). I intend to address the women who have good, dedicated men but have so much baggage that they want to make their men feel like scumbags.

A Few Examples:

1) Boy and Girl go to dinner. Waitress comes to the table and takes the cocktail order from Boy. Boy asks a few questions. Waitress leaves. Girl asks, “Do you think she’s pretty? Were you flirting with her???”

2) Boy and Girl go to the beach. A troop of bikini-clad girls walk in front of the couple. Boy notices, and then averts his eyes to the sand. Too late. Girl exclaims, “Were you just looking at those girls?!?” It’s no longer a nice day at the beach.

3) Boy and Girl hang out with some of Girl’s beautiful friends. After they are alone, Girl asks, “Do you think Suzie’s pretty?” Then…she asks…”Do you think she’s prettier than me?” No matter his answer, she’s in a funk for the rest of the day.

4) Boy and Girl are watching TV. A beautiful actress graces the screen. Girl asks the same questions in #3. Again, Boy is doomed, no matter what he says.

5) This may be the worst one. Boy and Girl are flipping through old photos, and run across a picture of Boy’s ex. Maybe Boy and Girl are on a date and Boy’s ex walks by. In either case, Girl asks Boy whether he’s still attracted to his ex OR whether he thinks she’s as pretty as the ex. Again, Boy is doomed, no matter what he says.

If have a good man whom you love and want to be with, you’ve got to learn to resist the urge to operate based on past experiences with other men. Additionally, if your boyfriend has made mistakes in the past for which you have forgiven him, you can’t continue to punish him for his misdeeds. If he has corrected his behavior and the two of you have moved on, living in the past isn’t going to make things better. There’s no place for “payback” in a loving relationship. If you can’t trust him, or he’s not worthy of your trust, there’s no reason to be with him. If you want to be with him, you’d better find a way to respect and trust him.

Let’s face it, unless your man is suddenly gay, he’s not going to stop appreciating other beautiful women. Sure, he’d better not break his neck looking at other women when he’s with you, but if his eyes unconsciously find themselves on another woman for a second or two, what’s the harm? Do you honestly think that he doesn’t notice women when you’re not around? You should be proud that although you are not the only beautiful woman in the world, you’re the one he wants to be with. I guarantee you that you’ve looked at other men around him, but he either failed to notice or had the discretion to let it go. I know that my boyfriend knows that I’m looking at more than hurdles and clay lanes when we watch the male runners at the Beijing Games…David Oliver? Whew. And, I know that when the women run, he’s noticing more than start times. Big deal. He loves me.

I’ve had friends tell me that they intend to be the wife who tags along with her husband everywhere he goes because you can’t trust other women. My question is, what about HER life? I doubt very seriously that our divine purpose as women consists entirely of policing men and the women who find them attractive. Men have free will; so do the women who want them. So long as that is the case, you can never, EVER, truly control what he does. When you try, you make yourself miserable and push him away in the process. Who wants to be around someone who treats them like a criminal under surveillance? Men aren’t as stupid as we sometimes pretend they are. They know when they’re being closely scrutinized. Those who aren’t cheating may find a reason to once they realize how little you trust them. Those who are just get better at deception.

Women who know, believe if you can’t trust him, you leave him. If you dislike yourself so much that you can’t believe that men can be faithful to you, go seek help before bringing someone into your life for “happiness.” Nobody can give you self-esteem; no one is capable of taking it away. You give it away. And, every time you give your weakness control over your behavior, you show this man that you are incapable of truly loving him. So, you are slowly ruining what you claim to be preserving. Even if he NEVER leaves you, you’ll never have his heart–just the shell he presents to you. The two of you will be miserable, together. What kind of life is that?

It’s simple: you cannot maintain a relationship if you allow your friends to interfere, constantly. In one way or another, I’ve written about this already. Unless you want for your man to be “with” your friends, in no event should your friends know everything about your relationship.

There comes a time when you grow up and realize that part of being an adult is coping with your issues all by yourself. In truth, your friends can’t truly understand your dilemma because they only know what you tell them. So, they can’t help but be biased. Consider that.

At the end of the day, people make mistakes. Your boyfriend is not excluded. So, cut him some slack. When he messes up, your reaction shouldn’t always be to run to your friends to report. Instead, communicate with him and and try to work it out. If you always make your loved ones aware of his missteps, they won’t be able to appreciate his virtue. Don’t smear his image, unnecessarily. If you choose to, you’ll be stuck trying to convince your friends to accept him in the long run.

OK. That’s it. Just learn how to hush.

Every woman has a friend who’s always the sideshow and never the main event but somehow manages to think she’s somebody’s girlfriend. There’s never very much dating in her “dating” life, at all. You hear about the guys she’s seeing, but you never see them. From the very beginning, their “dates” consist mainly of him coming to visit her apartment or her driving to visit him. Usually, the visits are conveniently after clubs and lounges close. The only connection you perceive between them is physical. Yet, instead of calling the tryst what it is, your friend SWEARS that this guy is her “boyfriend.” You don’t quite get it, because it makes her look foolish. But, it’s not your business, so you just grin & nod when she goes on and on about her new love.  You let her take that trip to the moon on gossamer wings.

Ok, so maybe it’s not a “friend” I referenced above. Maybe it’s you. Every woman has gone through this at some point. Maybe there’s a first date, but not many thereafter. He’s infatuated with all things physical, but not much else. You hear about him hanging out with his friends, but it never dawns on you that you’ve never met them. He talks about the two of you doing things like taking trips or nice dinners, but it never happens. So, you settle for his spontaneous visits to your house at ungodly hours. The two of you get along just fine, but something is missing. Eventually, you mention it to him and he dismisses it. He shoots you some lame excuse like, you knew how he was from the beginning. Maybe he tells you that his money is tight. When you ask how he affords to hang out with his friends so much, he tells you to drop it. In your heart you know this guy doesn’t value or respect you, but you let him stick around because you’re lonely. The worst thing is you portray your “relationship” to your friends as much more than it is. You’re just waiting for the house of cards to fall.

You have better things to do! Women who know, value their time. There are hundreds of things you could be doing instead of sitting at home waiting for some marginally interested guy whom you call your man to call you or take you out. Even if you’re not sitting at home (we have cell phones these days), you allow him to occupy your thoughts. Think about it, when you’re upset, you waste time talking to your girlfriends about it, writing e-mails to him about it, or just thinking about it for hours. That’s time you’re not spending focused on God, family, friends, or your career. And, guess what? He is not likely spending nearly as much time thinking about not spending time with you.

So…why do some women insist on faux commitments with guys like this? He does nothing for them outside of the bedroom (or maybe he really does nothing there). He shows little respect for their time. Everything they do seems to revolve around his schedule. And, though she talks to all of her friends and family about him, his friends and family know little to nothing about her. Yet, he’s their “man.” More likely than not, the women do it because they’re insecure. They don’t think they can do better than what they’ve got. Or, if they think they can, they don’t feel like waiting on Mr. Right. Sometimes, women think they can change the guy into Mr. Right. Wrong answer.

Here are a few hints that you’re NOT in a REAL relationship:

1. He can always get you, but you can never get him. We all remember this from Sex in the City when Big was lovesick. Whenever you’re with someone and you answer every time he calls, but he seldom answers when you call, you’re not in a real relationship.

2. He only calls you late at night. If a man can only find time to call you after every movie show time has passed, every restaurant has closed, every club’s cover has jumped up three times, and the only thing to watch on TV is infomercials, you’re not in a real relationship. You’re getting the time nobody else wanted, anyway.

3. He only visits you late at night. See above. And, you know what he wants–it’s not to chat about the future. If you’re truly a woman who can have “detached” physical relationships, you wouldn’t be hell bent on calling him your man. So, stop fronting. You want more from him than what you’re getting, but you think the comfort of his arms somehow makes up for your lack of self-respect. Life will never deliver to you what you deserve until you start behaving like you deserve it. WAKE UP!

4. He always finds an excuse to avoid meeting your friends. In your mind, he’s just a busy guy. In reality, meeting your friends just doesn’t matter to him. Men who love you eventually want to understand your life outside of your relationship. Men who DON’T care about you could care less.

5. YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE! All of his sentences regarding the two of you hanging out begin with, “Do you want to come over?”. Though you are accustomed to better, you convince yourself that conventional dating is superficial and what really matters is that you’re spending time together. Right? Wrong. If you enjoy leaving the house every now and again, he’s probably aware of that. He’s just not interested in obliging you. I’m not promoting some materialistic view of dating, but I’ve experienced that men who care about me want to make me happy; and, I want to do the same for them.

6. He’s a mystery. You know absolutely nothing about him. The two of you never find time to talk about his life outside of your “relationship.” Of course, there are some good guys who have trouble opening up to even the people closest to them. But, there are others to whom you feel like total and complete strangers. To these guys, you’re not their “girlfriend.” At worst, you’re just some girl; at best, you’re a “cool” girl. In either case, you’re nowhere near as important to him as he has become to you.

The bottom line is, placing obligatory labels on a relationship cannot change their true character. You can call someone your “man” or your “boyfriend” until you grow hoarse, but that will not change a thing. Keeping up a facade of a relationship not only tires you, but it makes you look very silly. Treating a disrespectful man as a security blanket not only shields you from what you perceive as loneliness, it also serves as a barrier, keeping away men who may actually treat you as you deserve to be treated. Let your pretend relationship go. It isn’t taking you anywhere.

OK, most women like compliments. When someone else points out that we have it together, it feels good. There’s no harm in that. Some women, however, live their lives entirely consumed by their beauty. They seek little more in life because they believe beauty is the ticket to bliss. The obvious implication of this obsession with looks is that these women tend to puff themselves up unnecessarily and are destined to be deflated by someone who’s had enough of the madness; but, the subtler ramification is that the women severely devalue their own potential. In doing so, they rob themselves of meaningful relationships and experiences.

Looks Do Matter…

I was raised to strive for excellence in every aspect of my life. My mother was raised in the era where ladies still wore dresses, fine perfume and pearls. She raised me to carry myself like a lady at all times. So, I never believed that looks were inconsequential. But, she also taught me that once anyone of worth meets the outer me, they will always look deeper. If they found that nothing was there, they’d have no reason to make me a part of their lives. Plainly put, “pretty ain’t gonna do it.”

…But, Pretty Comes a Dime a Dozen.

I live in a cosmopolitan city where pretty is everywhere. In Atlanta, the streets seem to be covered with entertainers, groupies, video “vixens”, professional women, blue collar women, strippers, etc. On an ordinary day, men can’t tell one type from the other with a quick glance. Still, despite the fierce aesthetic competition, it seems that so many women here fail to realize that to get in the game and stay in the lead, you’ve got to have something ELSE to set you apart. Instead of becoming unique individuals, these women merely work even harder at being more of the same–the same handbag; same hair; same footwear; and, so on.

Where’s Your Purpose?

I’ve found that women who care about nothing more than looks lack a sense of purpose. They have no idea why God put them here (aside from sit there and look pretty), and are making no efforts to figure it out. They’re too busy shopping, clubbing, lounging, or chasing men to stop and consider their course. One day, they’ll look up and realize that they’re no longer that beautiful twenty-something girl they used to be. They’re 45 years-old, on the express train to the botox counter, praying that it will provide them some relief. Then, they’ll look over their shoulders, see that there are millions of women as young as they USED to be. Without purpose, what’s next? As young women, we often poke fun at the collagen laden, six and seven ex-husband having, would be cougars in the media. Instead of rushing to ridicule them, maybe we should consider what events brought those women to their current situation–where everyone raves about how beautiful they “were” but have little to say about the women they become.

Looking for Purpose in All the Wrong Places

While there are some women who fixated on looks because they want to look good for themselves, I think most women are because they believe looks are the solitary key meeting and keeping men. Wrong answer.

In talking to women, these are the most common misconceptions I see:

1. Men are not meal tickets- These are the women who will do whatever it takes to get someone else to buy them the biggest LV Speedy or let them drive the 760Li. They replace their own purpose with the quest for a man with mean green. So, instead of cultivating a career, they work on working the loot out of a man for trinkets. Often, they have no money of their own, but still have the nerve to expect to find a man with a Buffett portfolio. Sometimes, they’re “fortunate” enough to marry money; most times, they’re only lucky enough to sleep with it, and end up being left out in the cold more than once with little to show other than things they could have bought for themselves, had they actually done anything important with their lives.

2. Individual Success is Non-transferable- Some women figure that they can become important the moment they marry someone who is. The truth is, you can marry the most successful man in America and still carry yourself like a loser. Sure, successful men often surround themselves with beautiful women. So, it may be difficult to snag one if you’re the anti-sexy. BUT, successful men with a sense of self worth want for their women to have accomplished or pursued something on their own. They want a partner, not a dependent. I always cringe when the only thing a woman has to show for herself is whom she married. Don’t get me wrong–I think being a great wife and mother is a divine opportunity. But, before we can complete a successful unit like a marriage or a family, we have to make sure we’re functional and complete as individuals. A cute smile and killer abs is just not going to do, in the long run. Winners get trophies; trophies get shelved.

3. Pride and Vanity are Not One in the Same- We all know the myth of Narcissus. He fell in love with himself and perished as a result. That kind of vanity is quite different from being proud of who you are. Inner pride is stems from understanding much more about yourself than how you look in a bikini. It is the result of meaningful introspection–a pleasant look at the lessons you’ve learned; the friends you made; the lives you’ve changed; the growth you’ve accomplished. And, it includes liking what you see when you look in the mirror.

The Bible that a woman’s beauty does not come from the beautiful things with which she adorns herself; rather, it comes from her spirit. We are born with gifts and talents. If we’re fortunate enough to be packaged with great smiles, nice legs and smooth skin, those are just perks. Women who know don’t sell themselves short by pretending that they’re only a pretty face.

There will always be a woman for whom a hefty divorce settlement is considered a fair exchange for her soul. I’ve just resolved not to be one of those women. I look to work toward the future God has set before me. When I become a wife, I plan to work toward even more greatness alongside my husband. I don’t want for him to drag me along; I don’t want to chase after him. When we make it to the finish line, both of us will be there, with fists in the air with the assurances that come with hard work and dedication. But hey, that’s just me.

We hear it all the time: women can’t get along. Women who know get along all of the time. Sure, we can find ourselves parting ways with certain friends, but it isn’t because we’re [nasty, catty] women. Sometimes, it’s simply because we forget the bond we share as women.

Part I of this post discussed the platonic bond that a man and a woman can share–and the walls that sometimes erect themselves as a result of romantic desires or misunderstandings. Managing friendships with other women should be easier without the added dynamic of sexual attraction. I’ve found that my positive friendships with women from my birth forward, have had quite an impact on my life. My first true friend was my mother; then my aunts; then my sister and cousins. From them, I learned how to treat the girls and women I met later in life.

1. Don’t be the NOSY friend.

I always believed that my mother was the exemplary friend. She was kind and considerate. She listened and gave sound advice. She butted out when it was the best thing to do. She tried to impart what she knew to me from as early as I can remember. I remember once in middle school, I found out that my friend’s “boyfriend” was cheating (for whatever that’s worth in middle school). I, of course, thought that the best thing to do was to tell my friend what I’d seen. My mother told me that it wasn’t my business. I told my friend that she should dump her good-for-nothing man(boy), anyway. What happened? Everybody ended up being pissed at me for opening my BIG MOUTH! That day, I learned that being a good friend didn’t mean trying to control my friends’ lives or making decisions for them. It meant knowing that we were in each other’s lives because we were great people, not because we were the same person.

Too often, we as women become far too involved in the small, personal details of one another’s lives. We tell each other who to date, who to leave alone, who to call, when to call them, whether to curse them out or not, etc. We miss so much of true friendship when we impose ourselves on each other. I am not suggesting that we shouldn’t know anything about our friends’ lives or that we shouldn’t help one another. I’m merely saying that we observe boundaries. Our true friends know that they can depend on us; we don’t have to constantly remind them.

A few hints: Do you get annoyed when your friends don’t share EVERYTHING in their lives? Do you constantly give unsolicited advice? Do you interrogate your friends about everything new in their lives, whether it be a date, a job, an outing? Once they share, do you have an uncontrollable urge to tell them how you feel? If you answered yes, you are NOSY. Your friends will stop sharing with you if you don’t show some self-control. Get a grip.

2. Don’t be the cripple friend.

The cripple friend uses her friends as crutches. It seems like she always has a problem. Usually, it’s either with a man or some woman she can’t stand. Clearly, good friends listen to one another; BUT we should always evaluate what our goal is when our friends lend their ears. It should never be to get our friend to carry our burdens for us. When friends love us enough to serve as counsel, we should love them enough to value their time and their energy.

Sometimes, we face challenges that call for the shoulder of a friends; other times, we go through problems that we can and should work out on our own. If you notice that you solicit advice from your friends to make you feel better for the moment, but not because you intend to change the course of your behavior, you’re a cripple friend. If, when faced with a problem, your first impulse is to pick up your phone and dial your girlfriend and not to think things through on your own, you just might be cripple. Take some time to do a self-evaluation, or you will drain your friends (and they will run clear of your path whenever you come around). If you’re unhappy or unfulfilled, your friends can help you by loving you, but they can’t solve your problems. You shouldn’t make them try.

3. Don’t be the green-eyed friend.

Jealousy. Some women can’t maintain friendships because they spend all of their time comparing themselves to the women in their lives. Am I thinner than her? Is she prettier than me? Does he like her? Why isn’t he attracted to me? In truth, these women aren’t friends, they’re adversaries.

From a very early age, little girls are taught to sit there and look pretty. Subconsciously, we also learn to look at other little girls to figure out how we measure up. Women who never learn to look at themselves outside of the glare of others are doomed to a life of insecurity. The undoubtedly, unwittingly, make their friends the enemy. A few hints: Do you wince whenever someone compliments your friends? Do you look at yourself AFTER someone compliments your friend to determine why you haven’t received the same compliment? Do you minimize your friends’ accomplishments or positive traits (i.e. “He likes you because you have big boobs.”). If you answered yes to these questions, you’re probably a green-eyed friend. Take some time to figure out what you love about yourself–I promise, you’ll be a much happier friend.

4. Don’t be the negative friend.

Some women love to tell their friends EVERYTHING they disagree with. They find it very difficult to tell their friends what they like. Indeed, it’s doubtful whether they like anything at all. If their friend makes a career choice, they ask why they didn’t choose another. If their friend makes a friend, they point out the stranger’s flaws. If their friend finds a love-interest, they caution her about getting hurt. Negative friends are miserable and they want you to be miserable too. Don’t fall into the trap. You may end up cleaning up their mess and could possibly lose something you truly cherish.

A few hints: Do you find yourself constantly discouraging your friends from doing something they really want to do, even though you don’t really have a reason? Are you more eager to point out someone’s faults before you point out their virtue? Are you more willing to believe an awful explanation of a thing before believing an equally rational, alternate happy explanation? When your girlfriend is down, do you encourage her to see the bright side, or do you drive her deeper into her sorrow? If you answered yes to these questions, you might be a negative friend. All I can say is, stop hating. Just kidding. Seriously, if you’re never on the sunny side of the street, take a moment to think about what’s going on in your life to make you so gloomy. Your friends will begin to detest you. Or, what’s worse, you could end up making your friends share your low self-esteem and you’ll be miserable together. Maybe that’s what you want? Ah well.

The Bottom Line: When there’s something wrong with you, be careful not to unload it on your friends. They love you and will likely try to take as much as they can for you, but it’s not fair for you to abuse the privilege of their affection. As adults, we must learn how to cope with things so that we can be great counselors, too. If we dump everything undesirable about ourselves onto our friends (through nosiness, negativity, jealousy or anything else), we hurt ourselves because our friends are no longer at their best. That means that the friendship isn’t at its best, either.

**These categories are not exclusive to women…but this is a blog for women who know…so…SORRY GUYS!

By “the duties of friendship,” I mean the responsibility of knowing that another human being trusts you to be a part of their life, indefinitely. Friendship is a give and take exchange. There are times when one friend takes more than the other is prepared to give, but at the end of the day, reciprocity is not a lost concept.

My friend was talking about walking away from the kinds of female friends who juxtapose themselves against the love of your life for the purposes of measuring their own worth to you. These are the friends who, as soon as you get into a relationship, look at the time you are spending with your love interest and immediately compare it to the amount of time you spend with them. If your time with your love outweighs the time spent with your friend, the friend is very unhappy. So, the friend calls you excessively, criticizes your mate constantly, and makes discouraging remarks as often as they can.

It seems that women who don’t know find themselves being this kind of awful friend to the men in their lives. Immediately upon meeting a new girl in their friend’s life, they are critical, negative and calculating. My humble opinion is that women who behave this way do so either because they are insecure about their own prospects for finding love or because they have unrequited feelings for their “friend.”

These bad friends come in a couple of varieties:

1) The Let’s Be Alone Together Friends (Or, Let’s At Least Make Sure You’re Alone): These women embody the old adage, “misery loves company.” When both she and her guy friend are single, they talk about how awful the dating scene is; now tired they are of playing games; and how they’d rather be alone than be unhappy. If SHE is lucky enough to find someone to date for a spell, HE has to hear ALL about it. Likewise, he hears just as much about the breakup. Unfortunately, if HE finds someone special, she doesn’t want to hear about the bliss–only the misery. She wants to hear about the fights and not the romance; the lack of trust but never the divine assurance. Truly, when he talks to his insecure friend about how great love can be, she winces because she can’t quite believe him, based on her own circumstances.

When women become this kind of friend to a man, they often project their own flaws onto the woman in his life. For example, if a woman regards herself as untrustworthy, she often tries to convince her male friend that his girlfriend is the same…and so on. When men keep these kinds of women around them, they reduce the likelihood that their romantic relationships will succeed because their focus is often in the wrong place–they become more concerned about the perception others have of their relationship than examining reality. They risk becoming so wrapped up in what their friends think about their woman, that the fail to see her for who she really is.

Women who know never want their friend to lose love based on misunderstandings. They want for their friends to make decisions based on truth that they uncover on their own. So, if their friend is in a relationship that appears certain to fail, they restrain themselves from giving unsolicited advice, save in the most dire of circumstances. If they respect their friend, they know that he will eventually see what they do and act appropriately. They trust him to come to them if he needs help, but they generally butt out if he does not. Even when he DOES ask for help, they temper their advice to his own well-being. They ask questions like, “How do you feel about that?” and “What do you plan to do?” They try their best to steer clear from comments such as, “Let me tell you what I would do.” and “You need to leave.” This is because women who know understand that what’s good for one is not always good for the other, and, what’s most important is that their friend think through his next move ON HIS OWN and assess what is best for him, based on his unique needs.

2) The Secret Admirer Friends. Honesty is the foundation of any meaningful friendship. This means that in one’s deliberate actions directed at her friends, she should be as transparent as possible. I don’t think this is difficult to do–unless, of course, the emotional dynamics of the relationship change, unbenownst to one of the friends. Extraneous feelings cloud the duties of friendship. As a result, some women end up treating their good friends as they would someone who is much MORE than a friend. She expects things of him that you wouldn’t otherwise expect–like that he spend the amount of time with you that he would a romantic interest; that he “escort” you places as would a romantic interest; that he refrain from talking about the women in his life with you out of “consideration” of your feelings. I don’t think that women who do this are always malicious. Sometimes, it’s largely unconscious. Undoubtedly though, at one point of another, these women realize that they have feelings for the man they call their “friend.” At that point, they must be very careful not to treat him differently, if doing that would hurt him in the end.

I learned the truth about love through my faith. The truth is, love is patient and kind; love is not jealous and does not envy. Women who know this have better things to do with their energy than manipulate the love within their friendship to force romance where it has no place. We can’t control for whom we develop feelings, but we can control our behavior once we realize how we feel. If we temper our actions with patience and kindness, we won’t become anxious about would could be between ourselves and our friends. We won’t get jealous because our friends have lives outside of our friendship. We will place the healthy compassion we can show for others at the top of our emotional priority lists.

The Bottom Line: With proper perspective, being a good platonic friend to a man often requires little more than being a good friend to a woman. Some people can become so consumed with their gender that they have forgotten how to be human beings first. Friendship demands the ability to resist the urge to be selfish. Demanding an abundance of attention or the romantic love of a friend constitutes the brand of selfishness that can destroy the foundation you’ve taken time to build together. It’s never worth it in the end. Women who know treat their male friends like human beings first. Human beings are deserving or respect, honesty, candor and consideration; human beings are deserving of patient, kind love. That’s the bottom line.

A few tips for the wise:

1. When he talks to you about his life, LISTEN, but don’t stock the information away so that you can use it to your advantage later.

2. When he talks to you about his relationship, LISTEN (you guessed it), but don’t use the information to bring him closer to you. Real friends are close, regardless.

3. When you hang out, embrace honesty about the other people in your lives so that no one gets the wrong idea about where you are in your relationship. If you find yourself in a friendship where one of you becomes jealous of the other’s love interests, something more than friendship is in the mix. Don’t let this ruin your relationship.

4. When you meet the women he dates, treat them as extensions of HIM. Don’t treat them as though they are the enemy (even when you don’t like them). If you value him as a friend, don’t complicate his life. Your friend doesn’t need the added stress of his friend feuding with his love interest.

5. If you ever develop feelings for him (or vice-versa), always consider the source of the feelings before you settle on full disclosure. For example, if the feelings stem from loneliness or jealousy, work on your own personal issues first. If they come from a genuine place, then honesty–with discretion–may be the way to go. But, always, always, always take a moment to consider your friend’s current circumstances and what role that conversation will play in his life. Sacrifice and love (platonic or otherwise) go hand in hand. Remember that.