Women Who Know

OK. I’ve run across two absolutely horrid voicemails in the last two days. Please listen:

First, let’s meet Dmitri, God’s Gift.
http://view.break.com/527579 – Watch more free videos

Now, let’s meet Darren, Chivalry at It’s Finest.
The Perils Of Using JDate – Watch more free videos

I have no idea what would possess a man to leave ALL OF THIS on someone’s voicemail. Aside from their obvious mental issues, they don’t know that LESS is MORE. All she needs to know is that you called, and how she can get back to you.

Five Common Bloopers:

1. You think it’s a good idea to give her several compliments on her voicemail. Newsflash: If you approached her, she probably assumed that you found her attractive. So, you don’t have to reiterate this point when you leave a message. Hopefully (though not certainly), she appreciates your approaching her and will call you back, when she gets a chance. Flattery isn’t going to make that much of a difference. And, if you say something that’s borderline presumptuous or offensive, you’ve screwed yourself.

2. You think it’s a good idea to give YOURSELF a few compliments. Look, no matter how great you think you are, YOU are pursuing HER. So, now is not the time to try to make her feel like you’re doing her some huge favor–she knows you want her to do you one and call you back. Your bravado is very likely a turnoff. Get a grip.

3. You think it’s good to leave your whole, entire schedule in the message. Look, nobody wants to know your itinerary. If you’ve got an inflexible schedule or something, that’s fine. For example, “Call me anytime before 5,” or, “Call me anytime before midnight.” Those are OK. In contrast, “Hey, I have a meeting at 12, but I should be done by 2p but if you can’t call me back before 6, then just go ahead and call me tomorrow” makes you look a little desperate. Be easy. Just give her the info she needs to call you back. If she misses you, she can leave a voicemail. Sure, this may result in a little phone tag, but that’s better than her entirely ignoring your message because you sounded like you were prepping for stalker mode.

4. You think it’s a good idea to tell her the significance of the message to you. Guys, if this woman is a complete stranger, chances are she’s not going to care if you tell her, “This is the last time I’m calling you.” Leaving threats or promises on her voicemail make you look like a bit of a nut. If you are fed up with her not answering her phone and you don’t think you should continue calling, DON’T CONTINUE TO CALL! It’s actually very uncomplicated. You think you’re giving her a piece of your mind by putting your feet down on the message, but you’re really just playing yourself. You look like you have nothing better to do.

5. You think it’s a good idea to come up with a gimmick for the message. Believe it or not, though you feel like you are “selling” yourself, most women are disgusted by tired lines and gimmicks. It’s a safe bet that if you’re about to leave a message that rhymes, that you stole from some song on the radio, or that you saw in a movie, it’s a really, really bad idea. if you’re leaving her a message with a teaser like, “I’ve got these season tickets, so give me a call…”, it may work, but you are really setting yourself up to be played. You shouldn’t have to dangle a carrot to get someone’s attention. Think about it, if spending time with you isn’t incentive enough, move on to someone who wants YOU.

True Story:

Last winter, I was on my way abroad for a few weeks. One the way to my gate, I met a guy and eventually gave him my number. On about my eighth day away, I checked my voicemail and found that the guy left me a message, “Hey Jay, this is [blank]. I was in [blank] Mall and wanted to know what you wanted for Christmas.” I was so taken aback that I listened to the message over and over and over. I texted the guy that I was out of the country, but that he didn’t know me so I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him buying me a Christmas gift (or any other gift, for that matter). I said that maybe we could grab a cup of coffee when I got back to the States. I check my voicemail a few days later and he leaves basically the same message, except he tells me that he’s leaving town soon, so I’d need to give him my gift request as soon as possible. I text him again, reiterating what I’ve already said (both about being out of town and about not wanting any gift). At this point, I have little to no respect for this guy. He claimed to be in the “industry,” and obviously wanted to impress me with what he could do for me. Unfortunately, his behavior read as insecurity (and insincerity). I omitted quite a few comical details from this story, but suffice it to say, it turned out that the “let me buy you a present” line was the only one in his arsenal, that he didn’t even have the ability to “buy” anything at all (i.e. he was fronting), and that I had to put him on my “do not answer” list.